You are my hiding
place;
You preserve me from trouble;
You surround me with
songs of deliverance.
Psalms 32:7
In the midst of the enemy’s
plan to destroy you, there is a refuge and hiding place.
The enemy set out early on to rob me of all he could. I am
sure his plan was to completely destroy me, as I am sure is his plan for everyone. I
don’t think I fully understood this, nor had the weight of it fall on me like I
did as I sat there listening to Taylor read back to me the memory I had shared
the week before.
I can’t think of anything to compare this form of therapy
to. Having someone read your memory to you, in detail, can make you want to
vomit. Taylor would stop every now and then to gauge my emotions, noticing my body language; sitting on my hands, head
down, with my feet firmly planted on the ground, Taylor began to talk me
through what I was feeling. I just remember saying, “Did I make all this up?
This could not possibly be true, this is horrible, I must be crazy.” Taylor
reassured me this was a normal response to Recall Therapy. Many, many people have expressed this
feeling, hearing your story for the first time from someone else’s mouth
makes it almost seem unreal.
The next couple of weeks were more of the same, she would
read, and I would listen. Eventually
Taylor noticed my body language had completely changed. I wasn’t as tense and
didn’t feel like I was going to come undone. We did this same process for a few
more memories over several weeks. In
time, I no longer felt like the memories had control over my emotions, I was
beginning to take back that control. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
May turned into June and my daughter and I were planning our
mission trip to Nicaragua. I was returning for the third year to the city of
Managua, this year getting to go for the first time with my girl. As we boarded
the plane to fly into Nicaragua I prayed God would use my journey this far to
minister in someway to someone. I didn’t know what that might look like, but I was
willing to be used. One of the oppourtunities available to us is sharing our testimony with the church we are connected to there. I had never given mine before, but felt God was telling me to let Kory (youth pastor) know I was willing.
As we went door to
door later that day inviting the community to church, I experienced one of my “triggers,”
a certain smell that usually caused me to have a flash back. It didn’t! I wasn’t
moved! I was experiencing His hiding
place, He was preserving me in trouble, and He surrounded me with songs of deliverance. To say
the least, I was overjoyed. I was experiencing freedom over that area of my
past.
When we finished going door to door, we made our way to
Church, and Kory gives me the thumbs up to give my testimony. I was excited and
terrified at the same time. More than anything, I wanted to be used and obedient to what God was
asking me to do. As I began to speak, peace settled in like nothing I have ever
known. I shared my story with honesty and modesty to those beautiful Nicaraguan
people, with Allie, my translator by my side. It was a huge part of my healing,
trusting the Lord to give me courage and strength to speak in front of
strangers, the team I was there with, and most of all my precious daughter, and
not fear rejection.....
Giving my testimony…..
Sometimes freedom and healing doesn’t come quickly or all at
once. It comes step by step, as you learn how to trust Him in all things. Who
knew part of my healing would happen in a little church in the country of
Nicaragua. It truly is a beautiful process, one that requires faith in the only
one who can bring “beauty from ashes”….
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