Hope stirring....

My counseling sessions began in March of 2012. Winter was exiting, and the promise of spring was right around the corner. The ground was preparing to bring forth flowers that had lain dormant all winter, and I too was beginning to experience a stirring just beneath the surface, hope was beginning to come alive. Hope that I could actually work through all the pain, and come out the other side, healthy, strong.

We went into April just discussing the surface details of my abuse. We worked through untangling memories of when the abuse started, how long it lasted, and how it made me feel now, in this moment, as a 43 year old.

 I was still feeling a lot of shame, guilt and unworthiness.  I remember telling Taylor I just couldn’t understand why I didn’t tell anyone. I recalled a couple of times during the 6 years of abuse that I would try, but I was always vague with my mom. I struggled with the thought that I could have stopped it, if I had just opened my mouth. (Insert triangle analogy here) My thought was “I could have stopped it,” made me feel guilty, response believing it’s my entire fault.

Taylor explained to me that was a thought a 43 year old would have. Of course as an adult you would tell. She asked me what I thought a 5 year old little girl would think. Well, of course that child would be afraid of her abuser. Then Taylor asked me what I would tell a little girl today who was being abused… I would say, it’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong, you’re a child; he groomed you to remain silent.  Life. Changing. Moment.  For the first time I ministered to that blonde haired, blue-eyed girl. It was not my fault, I did nothing wrong, I was a child, he was the adult; he was the one who knew exactly what to say to keep me in fear, to keep me silent.

This brought me to the next question for Taylor, I couldn’t remember what happened to make it stop.  She explained to me that abusers of children typically only want to abuse children. They have no interest in pre-teen or teenagers.  Precious babies, so not the world God had intended on when he created it. Sin is far reaching, and does more damage than our minds can begin to comprehend.

Because of the abuse I believed God was distant and uncaring. It formed my view of Him as someone with whom I had to earn favor.  I felt as though the sin put upon me caused a huge divide between He and I and I wasn’t good enough for Him to love.  Talk about “triangle” working overtime!! I don’t know if I am talking to anyone out there. It may just be me, and my journey.  My view was skewed because of the abuse. When I entered into my counseling, this view was no longer a struggle for me. I have grown in the Lord, and walked with Him long enough to know His love, experience His love, and read about His love through the word of truth. (Bible)

 John 3:16 is proof enough of His love. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Psalm 36:5

The Lord is compassionate and gracious; slow to anger, abounding in love. Psalm 103:8

For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Psalm 108:4

What I was struggling with was the why. I have been told God either allows or ordains situations in our lives. I don’t in anyway believe he ordained this to happen to me or anyone. As my counseling progressed I was trusting God allowed it so I could help others. What the enemy meant for evil, God was going to use for good and to bring Him glory.  

As April turned into May, we were getting ever so close to what I was dreading the most….Memory Therapy. Taylor thought I was ready, but she said it was my call. I felt He was preparing me to face this part of my journey. I would be leaving for Nicaragua in a few weeks and had a sense he was preparing me for something there. I needed to trust Him and the process….I was willing to try….He was gently pulling me up out of this pit…..setting my feet on a firm foundation.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. Psalm 40:1-2

 

 

 

 

You are not alone.....

I am overwhelmed at how many of us are survivors of sexual abuse.  Almost daily, since I started this blog, God has brought a precious girl into my life who is a survivor, who just needs someone to listen. My prayer is he will continue to allow me to minister to them through my story and help them begin their journey to healing.

 I am in no way a professional. My education does not exceed that of a high school diploma. I do however have a master’s degree in the school of life, and I have been told I have a “fire in my belly.” Meaning I tend to be a very passionate person. Sometimes it has served me well, sometimes it has gotten me in trouble.  I view my role as a mentor, friend, someone who has made it through the pain and by the grace of God, found my voice. 

 I know I have said it before, but I want this blog to encourage and empower other girls and women to find the courage to tell someone about their abuse and seek help. 1 in 5 high school girls are raped. Fifty percent of those leave high school without telling anyone. This makes me wonder what the statistics are on those girls entering into relationships they are not ready for, bringing with them a broken heart and crushed spirit. We look for our Prince Charming, the one who will fix our broken heart, and the truth is , there is only one who can do that. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

 As long as we are silent, we won’t heal. If you are a survivor of sexual abuse as a child, teen or young adult and you haven’t told anyone, there is a little girl in you who is frozen in time. She needs ministering to, listening to, loving on, validating, and rescuing. The enemy loves to isolate us and keep us bound in silence. We believe we are the only ones, but with 1 in 4 being abused, we are far from a minority.

The first several weeks of my counseling was centered on learning coping mechanisms, my “triggers” and Taylor getting to know my history, family dynamics and how I viewed myself.

 She took me through several different breathing techniques. PTSD brings on a flood of emotions and memories, or flash backs.  Sometimes memories come when you least expect it, where you least expect it, leaving you paralyzed. If you don’t know the coping mechanisms, you can find yourself in a panic attack. (I have been there many times) Learning how to breathe forced me to focus on breathing instead of the memories, and done right, it sends necessary oxygen to the brain. (Lord knows I need ALL the oxygen to the brain I can get.)  I thought that was a silly way to work through PTSD, breathing, but when I was faced with a flash back or panic attack, I learned really quick how valuable breathing through it was.

We also spent a lot of time figuring out what triggered my flash backs and anxiety. Certain smells, certain facial expressions, certain words, and someone coming on me quickly are a few of my triggers . Once aware, I was more prepared when I encountered them.  

Taylor assured me we would not jump into any form of memory therapy until she thought I was ready for it and not until she felt I had mastered the coping skills she was teaching me. This was crucial in my healing process, having someone who knew how important it was to not throw me in the deep end of the pool. I am sure if she had, I would have just sank to the bottom. 

We worked on my “triangle,” at the top of the triangle is a thought, which causes a feeling, which causes a response. Example, thought; “I am the only one who has been through this.” Feeling; I am so alone. Response; you never ever tell anyone.  This caused me to be active in my healing. I could not show up at the counseling session thinking she was going to “fix” me. I had to be willing to do what she was suggesting. I had to be aware when a thought was a lie, changing the thought before it caused a feeling, then a response.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Philippians 4:8

We discussed a lot in the first few weeks, not diving into details of memories until later. I remember leaving the second session exhausted. One of my “pearls” called to check on me, knowing personally how exhausting it is those first few sessions. You’re sharing all the good bad and ugly of your life, to a total stranger. Most of the things I shared with Taylor, I had never spoken out loud. To hear myself say it was surreal, somehow saying it made it real.  (Like it wasn’t before) I explained to my “pearl” that I had laid down after my session for a nap, I was unable to keep my eyes open. She said your mind thinks you have run a marathon, it’s that intense. She encouraged me to rest, not fight it, and not feel guilty. Praise God for my friend. Praise God we don’t walk this world alone. This is the perfect time for me to say how blessed I am with my husband. There is none other more patient, encouraging and loving to me than my man. He is my biggest fan. God knew I would need a special one…..

 

Taking her by the hand.....

I don’t know about you, but there is something so comforting to me at the thought of Jesus taking that precious child by the hand. He could have just said, “little girl arise” and she would have.  The picture of Him reaching out to her is beautiful, reaching out to help her up. He didn’t wait for her to use her own strength to arise, He was aware of her weakness. He gave her His strength.

I believe with all my heart, that is how we move through our pain to healing.  Only In His Strength. I get so overwhelmed at times with the love and grace of our God. I would be perfectly content to stay in that sweet place of being overwhelmed by Him. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28.

  I learned healing comes through working through the pain. It’s a necessary process, painful at times, but oh so worth it.

When I went back to my next session of counseling, she had gone over my questionnaire, developing a path of treatment to help me untangle all my emotions so that I could get to the other side of my pain. 

As she went over what she had learned, I was shocked at how dead on she was with my emotions and struggles.  My memory of my childhood is horrible at best. I remember the bad, but when something is mentioned that should bring me joy, I can’t for the life of me remember it. I sometimes feel there is a lot of my childhood that I must have just checked out from. So as we begin this process I am told when we suffer trauma, especially as a child, our stress levels raise, which causes our cortisol levels to raise, which in turn affects the area of the brain that holds our memories causing it to not develop. Ok, I get that, makes sense, but how come we remember the bad?

The next thing I learned was, sexual assault victims suffer from PTSD. I thought that was a war thing.  Which makes perfect sense to me now, the other day I was running and someone came up on my left side really fast, I almost clocked him with my elbow. He was running fast to catch his friend. He almost caught my elbow!

I learned that I do “check out,” emotionally and mentally. So many times during my counseling, Taylor would say, “Are you with me? You are checking out on me.” She explained that is a coping mechanism, and it is normal. When the memory or pain is too much, our brain just checks out. I guess that keeps us from completely losing our mind.

I learned I have gathered quite a few nuts on my journey. I almost titled my blog, “A Squirrel’s Journey and the Nuts I Have Gathered.” If I was an animal, it would be a squirrel. Have you ever watched one of them? They are all over the place, running to and fro, finding every nut they can, sometimes gathering more than they can carry.  They store them up so they will have plenty when the cold weather comes. For me, my nuts were all types of different emotions. After talking too many of you who have been abused, it is clear to me that we gather nuts that God never intended for us to. My nuts were, guilt, low self-esteem, performance driven acceptance, jealousy, people pleasing, shame, just to name a few. Unlike my fury friends, I didn’t store them; I took them with me everywhere!

I was beginning to understand the reason I had such a hard time sometimes showing emotion when someone was hurting. This bothered me so much, I wanted to grieve with those who grieve and sometimes the tears would not come. Sometimes our own sin can get in the way, I am not talking about those times. (I have had plenty of those times, trust me)  I had spent so much of my life shoving my feelings down that I had a hard time allowing myself to actually feel. I would check out… So many times Taylor would say, “How does that make you feel?”  And I would just look at her with a blank face. I had to learn how to allow myself to feel.  Learning that it is ok to feel and that my feelings matter, was hard, but good or bad, they mattered.

The last thing I want to share today is, I was beginning to allow myself to be completely honest with God about my feelings when it came to Him, that I felt He had let me down and wasn’t there when I needed Him the most. I don’t know why I thought this was a shock to Him, he already knew that. I was afraid that would make me a bad person, unworthy for Him to love. The one thing I feared the most, was allowing Him to break those walls that I had placed around my heart for protection. Fearing, if that happened, I would completely fall apart and never come back from that.(little men with a straight jacket and a padded room.) How in the world would I put those pieces back together? That’s when He reached out to me, offering His strength, saying, “little girl arise, I will put those pieces back together, don’t be afraid, just believe.” So, with my heart laid bare, eyes open, taking a deep breath, I looked to Him in my weakness and fear.  Let the healing begin....

Happy Birthday to my mom! 71 Today!!!

 

Put out the unbelieving crowd....

They came to the house of the ruler of the synagogue, and Jesus saw a commotion, people weeping and wailing loudly. And when he had entered, he said to them, "Why are you making a commotion and weeping? The child is not dead but sleeping." And they laughed at him. But he put them all outside and took the child's father and mother and those who were with him and went in where the child was. Taking her by the hand he said to her, "Talitha cumi," which means, "Little girl, I say to you, arise. Mark 5:38-41

They laughed at him. My commentary describes those who were laughing as the unbelieving crowd, and if they stayed they would be a distraction. He allowed only the girl's closest family members to witness the miracle.

I knew that I needed to put out the unbelieving crowd as I began the process of counseling. I needed to surround myself with those who I knew loved me and truly wanted me to find healing. Also, I was concerned about loved ones who might worry about me, and that would cause me to worry about them, which would hinder me focusing on true healing, so I waited to share this news with them until the right time.

 One unbelieving person I couldn't put out was myself. I wanted to be healed, I believed God was calling me into helping others that have experienced sexual abuse. He has blessed me beyond measure by allowing me to be in the lives of so many precious teen and college girls. Knowing 1 in 4 girls are abused, I wanted to help them find their voice, but I knew I couldn't do that until I had found my own. I desired the abuse to be used by Him, to bring Him glory. So for all those precious girls out there, and that blonde haired blue eyed  little girl in my childhood home movies, I made the call to get help.(that little girls has been frozen in time for long enough) "Hello, yes, My name is Audra and I have been sexually abused, I need to talk to someone." Here we go....

That first day walking into the counseling center I felt like everyone knew what I was walking in for, I felt vulnerable, scared and a little raw. Reality hit when I got to the door and it was locked. They keep the door locked at all times due to abusers who may be aware the person they abused are there and may attempt to harm them.  That hurt my heart for those sweet victims, and made me a bit angry....Those abusers should be locked up.

 I was surprised to find the lady who opened the door a member of my church. Initial gut feeling? Run, deny why your here, say, "Oh, wait, I am here to adopt a cat.." (humane society is in the same building) But knowing my "pearls" would hold me accountable, being more scared of them dragging me back than actually facing my memories, I went in.

The lady was so sweet, she must have read my mind. She assured me she would tell no one I was coming, I could tell she was not of the "unbelieving crowd" so, I allowed her to be a part of my journey.

As I sat there filling out a 120 questionnaire, I began to look around. Little hand prints that had been dipped in paint on the walls, placed there by sweet little girls who had been in the room before me. A painting with a poem talking about a girls dream of rising above the pain and memories and flying like a butterfly. A caterpillar does spend time wrapped in a cocoon, until the right time when it breaks the outer layers and becomes a new creation.....A new creation, if these little ones can be brave enough to do this, so can I.

I don't know how many of you have filled out one of those questionnaires. I am told they use them for any form of trauma. They give it to soldiers coming home from war, those who have lost family members unexpectedly, domestic violence, sexually assault and I am sure others I don't remember. But they ask the sames questions over and over in different ways. By the time I was done I realized I had a lot of issues!! hahaha I answered them as honestly as I could. Hoping the counselor wouldn't look at my answers and think, "I don't get paid enough for this one!!"

I am going to call the counselor "Taylor" because I am not sure I should mention her name. I immediately felt at ease with her. Although she was young, I trusted her. We spent most of the time in that first session talking about our faith and just surface details of why I was there. (my "pearls"made me come.) haha

I explained to her that I needed to know her source for helping me sort out all my pain, was the same source I was depending on for my healing.  So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Philippians 2:1-2

We scheduled the next meeting for a week out, she needed time to go over the questionnaire and gauge just exactly how messed up I was....(my words, not hers) hahaha Humor is a must for walking this journey.....I could not help but think, oh sweetie, its gonna take longer than a week to go over my questionnaire.

I hope you will continue to come back, my hopes in sharing some of my counseling, is to show its really not so scary and if I can do it, anyone can....

For I, the Lord your God,
 hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, "Fear not,
 I am the one who helps you."
Isaiah 41:13

"Don't be afraid; just believe"

I can't seem to get enough of this passage of scripture in Mark chapter 5. In verse 23 Jarius, the ruler of the synagogue is at the feet of Jesus, pleading with him to COME lay hands on his daughter for healing so she would live. In verse 24 we see the words, So Jesus went with him.....

Wow, JESUS WENT. I have been chewing on that for a couple days. Jesus went. I wonder if this little girl ever fully comprehend the fact that both her earthly father and her heavenly Father were  there at her healing. That is a story I would have written in my journal and handed down through our family line! Jarius asked Jesus to come. And Jesus did...That sweet child AROSE that day with her earthly father and heavenly Father in the same room together. Can it get any better than that????WOW! That gives me something to think about all day...:) I bet her momma was overwhelmed with joy.

Jesus wants to come to us. He wants us to ask Him to come. In the middle of our pain, in the middle of our confusion. At the point of death. Like Jarius, we have to fall at His feet and give it to Him..... All. Of. It. Jarius knew that as much as he loved his daughter, he alone could not make her well. But he knew who could and he stopped at nothing to get her to Jesus. That sweet child wasn't able to get to the feet of Jesus physically, so her daddy went. Isn't that what we are supposed to do for each other? When we are so worn out, confused, hurting, lost, broken, at the point of death? Take each other to the feet of Jesus?

My friends began to encourage me to seek counseling.  My overall feelings with this was, "what good will that do?" "God can heal me without anyone 's help" (let me just say, yes he can!! and sometimes he uses and gifts others to help us sort out our pain) "no way am I going to a stranger and telling them all of this" "I have made it this far" and on and on and on....

Several weeks after my first meltdown with my "Pearls", (that's what we call each other), I had another one...for those of you reading this who don't know me, you must think I am a mess!!! But I promise you, this is not the norm for me. So by this point I am beginning to believe myself (I know my pearls are laughing here, And I believe myself!!! haha) that I need someone to help me sort through all this junk. We are just having a normal conversation (well, not sure normal is the word, we are a bunch of crazy ladies...) with one of the gals telling us about helping a child who was suffering at the hand of an abuser. Here. We. Go. Again. Numb. Frozen. WHAT THE HECK????? Then one of them asks me if I am alright, ever heard the saying "deer in the headlights?" I guess it was all over my face.... Then dam two bursts forth.....SERIOUSLY!!!! Pull yourself together!!!!

All I could think was, "I wish I had her in my life all those years ago." It was obvious to me that day that I had not even begun to heal. If I had, this would not be so hurtful. I would be able to sit here and rejoice in the fact that that child had my "pearl" in her life but I couldn't do that. In true God fashion, one of the other ladies had just finished up counseling and she radiated Joy, she was healing from a wound of her own. She was proof it was a good thing, that it had worked for her. How could I argue with that?

And so began my commitment to seek counseling....I will admit I fought them tooth and nail, my feet were so dug in the sand that hurricane force winds couldn't have moved me. But sometimes you have to trust those that God has placed in your life. They see things we can't see when we are in the middle of our pain. This is not going to surprise you at all if your a follower of Christ, but one of my "Pearls" is a counselor and she knew just who to call for me,( my only requirement was the counselor had to be a  believer. I had to know that she was getting guidance from the same one I was.).....Isn't that just like our God? I cried out, pleading for Him to heal me, and Jesus went......he went before me and prepared the way, preparing those around me to help me along the way.....but I was still afraid.....Overhearing what they said, Jesus told him. "Don't be afraid; just believe." Mark 5:36 I need to just believe....Lord, help me be brave....

FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU, SAYS THE LORD,

PLANS FOR YOUR WELFARE AND NOT FOR EVIL,

TO GIVE YOU A FUTURE AND A HOPE.

JEREMIAH 29:11

 

Seeing that 3 year old through my 43 year old eyes....

First post went out last night, fear set in almost immediately. Had to fight off the thoughts of, "oh. my. gosh. what have I done?" I just laid that out there for the world to see... And one of the biggest things I struggle with is rejection. That being shared, I choose to carry on.

I feel the need to say that I don't want this blog in anyway to be about the abuse, I want it to be about the healing, my journey getting here, and God's faithfulness and mercy.

Wooah, wooah, as I sat there, watching home movies, I was frozen, numb. What in the world? Why is this bothering me so much? It was Christman 2011 and it was decided we would pull out the vidoes from our childhood. I hadn't watched them since I was a kid and my kids had never seen them, so I THOUGHT it was a good idea. 

But there she was, blonde haired, blue eyed little thing. I think she was around 3 or 4. So happy, so full of herself. As I sat there, the thoughts began to roll in my mind. Like, she has no idea what she is in for. She has no clue when she is in kindergarten she will suffer unspeakable acts. She is so stinkin cute. She will have no way out.....Why didn't anyone protect her? Why did God allow this to happen? Then the anger began, seriously, I was angry because of what that precious child was going to go through, I was angry because I felt she was worthy to be protected. Why wasn't she.....

The movies finally stopped and we gathered up all our gifts to head home. I was taking one thing home with me that I hadn't planned on and no one purchased for me....Memories... that night my mind flooded with memories, ones I hadn't had in a very long time. Ones I didn't care to ever have again. I cried myself to sleep. Stuffing it down, telling no one.

I have dealt with this, I am healed. That is all I could do, say those words over and over until hopefully I would believe it. A few days later I did reach out to a friend for prayer. Knowing she has walked the same road as I. It helped to talk to someone but the thoughts and memories would not go away. I prayed, like never before. Lord, please, help me, heal me... I thought I was....

In my distress I called upon the Lord;
  to my God I cried for help,
From his temple he heard my voice,
  and my cry to him reached his ears.
Psalm 18:6

Fast forward a few weeks, spending time with some dear friends, and the dam bursts bringing forth a flood of emotions. Once again, I am caught off guard. What is going on with me? I sat there, raw, laying it all out there for them. I had never allowed myself to be so real. Words like, "How could the God of the universe let this happen?" "Was I not worth it?" "Did he not care?"  "He could have stopped this." I couldn't hardly believe I was allowing myself to be so open. For so long I hid it from everyone, for fear of rejection.... I left there that day feeling like the chains had been broken and the first step was behind me. Ok, that's all I needed to do, right Lord? Share it with someone, get it out, be real....
Now. I. Feel. Raw. 

My friends were awesome, loving, encouraging, they cried with me.....they felt my pain...they validated my pain. They didn't reject me.

Healing begins when you least expect it, but when you need it most, in His perfect time... That blonde haired, blue eyed girl is worth it......

that was just the first step......

ARISE!

Let me begin by introducing myself, my name is Audra. I am a wife to Buddy, a mom to Matt, Kayli and Austin, and a daughter of the King.

I am new to this blogging thing, but I am feeling led to share my story on a greater scale. In hopes that it will in some way help someone else that has been where I have been. Sometimes you need to hear from someone who has walked where you have walked.....I have held my story in for a very long time. But lately I have come to realize, my story is not for me to keep. It is for me to share. I am praying it will inspire someone else to begin their journey to healing, that you too, will ARISE.......

Taking her by the hand he siad to her, "Talitha cumi," which means. "Little girl, I say to you, arise." Mark 5:41

That is my life verse....strange I know, of all the verses in the bible, I would choose that one. Actually, I didn't choose it, God gave it to me. You see, the story is about a ruler of the synagogue, his daughter was at the point of death when he came to Jesus. He asked Jesus to come lay his hands on her, so that she may live. Jesus went. But while on the way someone from the ruler's home came to tell him, his daughter was dead and not to trouble the Teacher any further. Jesus, overhearing what was said, told the ruler, "Do not fear, only believe." When they arrived at the house people where crying loudly. Jesus, when entering asked why they were crying, he said the child is not dead but sleeping. They laughed at him. But he put out everyone except for the child's father and mother and those who were with him and went in where the child was.

And so we see where Jesus says to her, "Talitha cumi" You see, like that little girl, I have been at the point of death. I wasn't at the point of a physical death, but a spiritual and emotional one. Spiritually I was seperated from the Lord because of my sin. Thankfully he saved me and drew me to himself. Unfortunately emotionally I was still at the point of death..........

Like many girls, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. That formed how I viewed myself, my God, and the world around me. For many many years I stuffed it down. Not telling anyone until I was 23 years old. I believed so many lies the enemy threw at me. I truly believed I had dealt with it and that by ignoring it, I was healed. I will take you on this journey in the next few posts, come along if you want. Maybe you have been there, maybe your there. 1 in 4 of us are abused. Not to leave boys out, 1 in 6 of them are abused. We are walking wounded. But I am living proof you can be healed.... I will continue to share over the next few days, life permitting...I hope you will come back.....healing awaits.