His Grace is Sufficient

I seriously can't believe the summer is almost over. I don't know about where you live, but where I am from; school starts next week. Our youngest begins his junior year, and I can't believe we only have one left to graduate High School. I have warned him that I might suffocate him!!! As summer fades into a memory, the hope of fall is right around the corner, and for us that means Football!!!! I absolutely love me some football!

There are so many memories from this summer, ones that I will treasure forever, and others I would be happy to forget.....But in all of them God was good and His grace was sufficient. I am reminded of how far he has brought me since last summer, the healing I have experienced and the freedom that healing brings. Snapshots of past hurts and pains are replaced with snapshots of forgiveness, healing and helping others.

One snapshot that blesses me every time I think of it, is a conversation I had with one of the most precious young women I have ever met, she was nearing her wedding day and was so afraid the pain of her own childhood abuse would affect her life as a wife. With tears streaming down her face, she shared her journey with me. It was one of tremendous pain, wounds that ran deep......and as she was sharing the intimate details of her heart, ones that she held very close, I realized I was sitting with a miracle. The person before me was a miracle,knowing what she had been through and the woman she is today, is nothing short of a miracle. She radiated Christ, her gentle and quiet spirit was refreshing, and you would never ever guess what she had endured.

It's in those moments that I am so thankful for the journey I survived, because in that journey, I can feel her pain, validate her pain, understand her pain, but most importantly, I wouldn't trade those sweet relationships for anything. When she had finished sharing her journey and the fear she was holding onto, the Lord pressed something on my heart so heavy it was as if I would explode if I didn't share it with her.

The words just spilled out.......YOU MADE IT, you walked through the worst thing you can imagine and you survived. You survived!!!! You are here, with me today, a strong, godly woman. He carried you through your pain, giving you a sound mind. Why would he not continue to carry you now? Whatever you face from this day forward, His grace is sufficient. As soon as I had finished saying those words to her, I felt in my own spirit that the Lord was telling me, "that goes for you too" His Grace is Sufficient....

Another snapshot I will store up and treasure in my heart, is walking with a precious young lady as she began and finished her own counseling. She trusted me with her journey, allowing me to love her through her healing process. I have literally witnessed God transform her before my eyes. The connection I have with her will always and forever be dear to me. I pray God will always allow me to be a part of her journey. It's a relationship that can't be manipulated, it is God given......And I can't even begin to imagine what God has in store for her!! His Grace is Sufficient.....

My counseling was finished in November of last year, but my healing continues day by day. And as strange as it sounds, I heal a little bit more every time I share my journey with someone. I believe every time I share I take back a little more control....His Grace is Sufficient....

But he said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" Therefore I will baoast all the more gladly about my weaknessess, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Filling in Holes.....

I can't believe its been a month since I have blogged.....honestly, I knew life would happen and there would be moments when I just wouldn't have time to put my thoughts into words. This past month has been a series of those moments, because my thoughts have been on my sweet daughter's high school graduation, bringing us much joy with a tiny bit of sadness....But I will say, she is so ready for the next season of her life, and for that, I am forever grateful.

Do you ever have one of those moments in conversation with someone and they say something so profound you chew on it for days? That recently happened to me as I caught up over the phone with a dear "old" friend. She shared with me that she was feeling as if she was coming out of a fog. A fog that she said lasted 10 years. Over those 10 years she has been through a lot, dealing with her own pain and in her words, she was just filling in holes..... FILLING IN HOLES..... wow.....that was profound to me. I began to see how I have done that over the years, not meaning to, unaware I was, but none the less, filling in holes. Holes that only can be filled by my heavenly Father. Holes that he is aware of, as the creator of my heart. Every place of my heart, He wants to fill. What or who we fill those holes with can vary from person to person. But we all search for that "one thing" that will bring us complete happiness, fulfillment and peace. It does not exsist in anyone or anything other than our Lord. Even as believers, we can find ourselves trying to fill a hole with something other than Him. But we have a High Priest who can meet us in our time of need, our time of trying to fill an empty space in our hearts. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16

Some of the things we use to fill holes, can take root or begin to rot. Those things have to be dug out and removed. It is painful, unpleasant, and humbling but necessary.

The next thing my friend said was more profound than the first.... she shared she had been keeping the surface appearing smooth, and in doing so she was unaware of the things she was filling her holes with, were not healthy. She worked very hard at making others (and herself) believe everything was smooth in her life.

KEEP THE SURFACE APPEARING SMOOTH......she wasn't aware of it when she was in the middle of it, but now looking back, she can see it. As long as we believe the lie that these "things" fill us up, we never fully deal with what is truly going on below the surface. And as long as we keep others at surface level, we don't enjoy the blessing of true fellowship.

My friend is one of the strongest women I know, my prayer for her as the fog continues to clear, is she will allow herself to embrace the Love, Forgiveness, and Grace of her heavenly Father,  forgiving herself, allowing him to dig up anything in her heart that has taken his place and replace it with Him. I pray this for myself, I encourage everyone to do this....none of us are immune to "filling in holes" or "keeping the surface appearing smooth..."

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
Psalm 139:23-24

Shock Waves

There are times in our lives that literally rock our world and shake our faith. They can come on like an earthquake, unexpected, shaking us so hard we feel it to the core. I have never experienced an earthquake, but I have often wondered what that must be like, when everything around you threatens to fall in and there is nothing steady to grab on to. Even after the inital quake there is the possibility of shock waves (smaller tremors that sometimes aren't even felt) for days to come, and although the epicenter of the quake is often the worst, it can be felt for miles in any direction. The destruction, devestation and mess it leaves behind is overwhelming. I would imagine after the dust settles, it leaves the survivors wondering what in the world just happened? One minute we have a home, the next it's in a pile at our feet.....

We live on one of the biggest fault lines in America, the New Madrid Fault. I grew up hearing about it, lived through people making predictions when the "big one" would happen. So far it hasn't happened yet. We have had very small shakes, like something is stirring underneath, but nothing major. It's one of those things you know could happen, but you don't live day by day in fear of it. This is a reminder of how we can face everyday as children of God. We are aware at any minute the earth can move beneath us, turning us upside down, causing us to wonder what just happened, but we can't live our life in fear of what might happen . We need to trust the one who controls every little quake that comes our way, knowing when the dust clears, He will comfort us, strengthen us and set our feet on solid ground.

We all have earthquakes in our lives, some small, some large, but they all have the potential to cause major destruction. I am thinking of different people I know who have had the earth move under their feet so hard, so fast and so unexpected that I believe with everything in me, if it  were not for their relationship with Christ, they too would have broken to pieces. But instead they grabbed hold of the only One that wasn't shaking when their whole world was. Some are still feeling the shock waves of that inital quake and will for the rest of their lives. But by God's unending grace, we begin to clear the rubble and rebuild.

I gave my speech at "Take Back the Night," and what happened next I really didn't expect. I went from feeling freedom, to feeling very vulnerable and exposed. I had gone from the safe place of four walls and one person, to a couple hundred people who could possible tell a couple hundred people who could tell..... Typing that now seems like such a silly thing to worry about. I mean really, most of them probably don't even remember my name, much less what I said. But at the time, it overwhelmed me. It took all I could to not completely cut myself off from everyone and everything, to self-protect by isolating myself. I guess the need to isolate and self-protect is a normal "side effect" of abuse, when we feel vulnerable or threatened we retreat, waiting until we feel it's safe to come out. I think sometimes it's not only ok to do this, it's necessary, but never does it need to go on for long periods of time, then it becomes harder and harder to get back into life. Trust me, I know, Shock Waves.......


I seem to go through periods of isolation, and recently a much wiser sister in the faith said these words to me, "Sometimes you have to isolate yourself for a time from all the other "voices" in your life, so that you can hear the one true "Voice."  Amen!


For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly moved.
Psalm 62:1-2


I pray for those of you who are reading this, I realize some may be wondering who the one true "Voice" is.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever should believe in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16 .

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9

Take Back the Night

1 in 4...... one, two, three, FOUR....one, two, three, FOUR....

As I walked across campus to get to my first counseling session at the University, I began to count the girls, wondering just which ones have walked where I have. Sometimes it's easy to pick the wounded girl out, the one walking head down, not making eye contact, or the one who wears the long sleeves to hide the cutting, she also could be the girl with the smile she wears to mask the pain, or the really loud girl dying for attention,  just to not be invisible....But however she deals, she is out there....walking among us.

I want to help, I want to share the love of Christ with her, with all of them. I want to give her hope. I want to let her know what has been done to her, does not define her. Who she is in Christ, defines her, she is the apple of his eye, she is fearfully and wonderfully made, she is not alone. I also want to share the gospel with those who don't know Him. Those who have a hole in their heart that only He can fill, telling her He didn't do those unspeakable things to her, sin in the world caused that pain, choices made by others caused that pain. But He can heal, restore and redeem her....

They say your ministry is what you are passionate about, (let me say my main and most important ministry is being a wife and mom, which is my highest calling) I am passionate about letting as many girls as I can know that God loves them so very much and there is freedom in him.....that they can walk in victory, head held high.

 Recently I heard our Pastor say that God continues to work on us as he works through us in ministry. That brings me so much hope, knowing full well there is much work on me left to do, and that He chooses to still use me in my imperfectness.

It was September, Taylor and I were preparing for the "Take Back the Night" ceremony to be held on campus. The ceremony is designed to bring awareness to sexual abuse and help victims find their voice.  As I was doing research on the statistics, what I found was shocking.

1 in 5 high school girls are raped, 50% never tell.
Girls who are raped in college and don't tell, 70% of them are likely to be raped again.
1 in 4 girls suffer childhood sexual abuse
1 in 6 boys suffer childhood sexual abuse

I know I have already said it, but its worth saying again; if you think your alone, your not. If you think no one will understand, they will. If you think you will never heal, you can. Chances are, you have a friend who has been through the same thing...

I thought I would share my speech from that night. I hope in some way it will help you. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have the courage to stand before 250 people and tell my story. (and live! haha) I was told in the past the ceremony brings 40-100 people....well, this year it brought around 250 (my rough guess) the sororities and fraternities required freshman to attend. As I stepped up to the microphone and looked out, it took my breath. We were on the schools soccer field, young girls sitting on blankets, with fraternity boys standing along the back, like a wall. All those precious faces, I was a little nervous but more than that, overwhelmed that God was using my pain to help bring hope and healing to someone else....Purpose in the pain. He doesn't waste one ounce of our journey.

The following is my speech from "Take Back the Night" September 25, 2012

The word Survivor, by definition is to carry on despite hardships or trauma, to cope with trauma; to persevere.

As a survivor myself of childhood sexual abuse, I want to speak to all of you who are survivors of sexual abuse, those who have found your voice and those who are still in silence, struggling to find your voice. Our stories are all very different, but our pain is the same. Your abuse may not be from childhood, it may have happened in your teens, it may have happened recently or you may have experienced attempted abuse. It all needs a voice, it all needs healing. Tonight I want to share a couple of things that I am learning on my journey to healing that might empower you to begin your journey to healing.

First of all; the abuse doesn’t end when the sexual abuse does. My sexual abuse lasted 6 years but the mental, emotional and spiritual abuse has lasted over 30 years.

Mentally the images haunted me, like snapshots on a slide show that started itself when I least expected it. Sometimes I had the ability to hit pause but could never find the stop button. I believed the lie that I was the one to blame, that no one would ever understand the pain, and if they knew what I have been through they would never accept me. The truth is my identity is not determined by what has been done to me. Your identity isn’tdefined by what has been done to you.

Emotionally I was a mess, carrying around guilt, shame, unworthiness, and low self-esteem like a worn out bag, never leaving it at home. I had mastered the ability to put on a smile and shove my feelings down, hiding the pain behind a mask. The mask helped me cope with others and made me feel safe, but in truth it was just preventing me from dealing with the abuse. In a crazy way, I believed that was healing, learning to deal, by not dealing.

Spiritually I had made an attempt all through my teen years to be the “good girl” to earn God’s favor. I thought if I could be good enough it would make up for all the shame and guilt I felt. It was exhausting….. Outwardly I displayed kindness, smiles and quick apologies. I avoided conflict and wanted peace no matter what. On the outside I appeared I had it all together, but on the inside I was full of shame and devastation. When I was 26 I gave my life to Christ after he lovingly showed me I didn’t have to earn his love and acceptance, but trust his grace through faith. Now, I thought, I will be healed. And spiritually I was experiencing healing, hear my heart, God can heal and mend all the broken pieces without anyone’s help. He not only can, he wants to. But God finally brought me to a place where I stopped running from him in shame and ran to him for protection and healing. Complete healing.

Sometimes that healing requires seeking a professional counselor. For me that part of my journey began 6 months ago, when it was time to take off the mask for good. I believe with all my heart he equips and gifts others to help survivors heal and find our voice. There are just so many layers to our healing, layers we just can’t get through alone. Let me tell you it wasn’t easy to agree to go talk to someone. My thoughts on it were, “it happened so long ago, what good will it do to talk about it?” or " I can’t trust a complete stranger with the most private, painful details of my past” or “No one can understand my pain” or “I don’t have time for this” or
“I have made it this far” The reasons go on and on. And in truth it was part of my past, but it was killing my present and future life.

This brings me to the second thing I want you to walk away with tonight, YOUR VOICE!! Some traumas are very public, and it is easier for people to minister to them, to help them walk through the pain, because they know about it. But the trauma of sexual abuse is very private. Unless we put a voice to our pain and trauma, we continue to suffer alone in silence. Fear keeps us locked in silence, the fear of rejection, judgment, making others feel uncomfortable. But the truth is healing begins when the secret is revealed and the chains of silence are broken.

You may not believe me, but trust me, I know, there is power in your voice. When you share,you take back a little bit of what was taken from you, fear starts to disappear and you empower someone else to find their voice.

You may wonder if I am completely healed and the answer is no, not completely, do I believe I will be, yes. Did I believe 6 months ago I would be, no. The process is painful but necessary to get to the other side. I spent too many years walking around the pain, now I am learning to walk through it. And you can too. Trauma affects us in ways that we cannot understand. It affects so many areas of our lives, our thoughts,feelings, relationships. So please, if you are suffering in silence, share, get a counselor. It won’t change what happened to you, I so wish it could, but it can help you to live each day learning to stop the mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse. And live each day with hope and purpose, making decisions based on truth, not pain or fear, for God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Wednesdays in the word....

After I posted my blog yesterday, a friend text me about a series on affliction that Beth Moore was doing on the TV show Life Today. She had no idea what my post was about....so cool when God does this.

Anyway I wanted to share with all of you the link to her series. It blew me away!!!

Here is the Link....
www.lifetoday.org/video
Under the video that pops on the screen you will see a drop down menu. Click on the "any" one and scroll to Wednesdays in the Word". Session 3 and 4 spoke volumes to me. She is talking about victim affliction in session 3 and mental affliction in session 4. It helped me a lot and so I thought I would share it!

Have a great day!!

In Christ,
Audra

The bigger picture

My daughter LOVES animals, all kinds of animals, she does not discriminate. In order to make the transition of one more move, we sorta promised her a puppy when we got to Kentucky. (never ever a good idea, they never forget)

Enter Tracker, abandoned at 6 months, the cutest beagle puppy I have ever seen. But he didn't have a lick of sense....He wore me out. Fast forward a few months, it was winter and he needed to go outside. Normally I would put him on a leash (we live in the city) and take him out. It was extremely cold and I just didn't want to go outside. So.... I opened the door and off he went, I mean off, sprint speed. There was a man walking down the road in a long black coat, black hat and black brief case and Tracker was on his heels, circling around and around him. All the guy had to do was reach down to grab hold of Tracker. But he didn't....it was as if he didn't even see the dog, he just kept walking at a steady pace, almost unaware. The direction they were heading in was leading them to a 4 lane road which is typically busy early morning. I knew if he made it all the way down to that intersection, he would be run over. Not at all willing to give that news to Kayli, I dash out the door after him. Picture this, plaid flannel pj's, black rain boots with polka dots (of course polka dots, is there anything else?), and long red bath robe. (not to mention my hair had not seen a brush yet....it was early!)

The more I yell at that crazy animal, the further he goes, all the while circling the mans feet. I am screaming like a mad lady, not to mention looking like one, getting no help from the man in the black coat. I mean I am literally at this mans feet by now, circling him right behind Tracker. He never says a word, never looks at me, never stops walking, no help at all. WHAT IN THE WORLD???!!! By this time I want to hurt the dog and give the man a piece of my mind.(or hurt the man and give the dog a piece of my mind) We continue in this game until we get a few feet from the intersection and I finally get a hold of that dog. Now I am cold, tired, angry and I have to walk back carrying this over-sized beagle 3 blocks because in the madness I didn't grab the leash..... Lesson here? Next time, just put him on the leash and go outside with him....

Ok, so why share this story with you? I think it is a perfect example of us as Children of God. He can see the danger ahead of us, he knows where we are headed when we don't trust Him and His plan for our lives. Like Tracker, sometimes we can't see that intersection and know we have the potential of being road kill! I knew there was no hope for that senseless dog if he made it to the highway. Isn't that just like our enemy, like the man in the black coat, happy to just lead us down a dangerous path and we like the silly dog,  with no sense, run full speed ahead?!

God sees the bigger picture....this picture for me and the process of counseling was beginning to come into focus. Gradually you begin to notice changes, in yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your relationships. Things that would have bothered you before counseling, aren't having the same affect on you. Relationships that were unhealthy you recognize and feel freedom to place boundaries. It's like someone cleaned your filter and your beginning to see more clearly what healthy thoughts and relationships look like and believe more fully that there is purpose in your pain. I could see that God was using the counseling to deliver be from a lot of bondage. It's freedom......

When I went back to my next session, I found out they were allowing me to continue with Taylor at her new job at the local University. What a huge answer to prayer. I would go early so it didn't hinder her from helping the college kids. (no college student wanted the 8am slot!) We spent her last couple weeks at her current job discussing self-esteem and unhealthy relationships.

We began untangling my struggle with low Self-esteem, low self-worth, self-doubt, self-condemnation. I call it an onset of mind warfare,  it is a lasting side effect of sexual trauma that carried over for me into adulthood. Even though the physical abuse ended, mentally I was still at war, and this battle seemed extremely daunting....

I think the best way to overcome these thoughts are to know Him, seek Him,hide his word in our heart, and to pray for deliverance. To continually be blasting those thoughts with the truth of His Word. There isn't a counseling session that can fix that, only knowing the great Counselor, and taking Him at His word....Psalm 139, all of it....If this is a struggle of yours, I encourage you to read Psalm 139.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:13-14

As I was leaving that day, Taylor tells me she is in charge of planning this years "Take Back the Night" ceremony at the University, and she would like for me to share my story. It's a night dedicated to helping stop the violence against sexual abuse, and to help other victims find their voice. To say I was beside myself with joy is an understatement. I was beginning to see purpose in the pain.....Maybe my story would help someone.....I told her yes!!!! God's timing is perfect...He saw the bigger picture, He wanted me to experience healing, so I could help someone else. Like that silly dog, He had to get a hold of me, He knows sometimes I just don't have much sense!

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

A New Thing

Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you
not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:19

If only I could perceive IT, if only I could truly believe he is doing a new thing. If only.... Why can't I trust that a new thing is a good thing!

Opportunities will arise that have the potential to completely knock us off our feet, causing us to fight, and reach for something to hold onto until we find our balance. What or who we grab onto makes all the difference in the world. I wish I could say I automatically  reach for Jesus, and regain my balance quickly, but that would be far from the truth.Sometimes you just want someone with skin on, some people have less skin on now because of me, I still have some of Buddy's skin under my nails! I have grabbed onto people that I had no business taking hold of, nothing or no one on this earth is as solid as the Rock, the only one who can steady us and plant our feet firmly on solid ground.

My feet got knocked off balance just a little bit when I returned home from Nicaragua; going in to see Taylor she tells me she has taken a new job. What? Wait.... What? (insert picture of me grabbing, grasping, trying to hold on) I know for some of you, your thinking; what is the big deal? Well my options were 1. Start all over with a new Counselor 2. Just stop counseling all together 3. Pray and trust God is doing a new thing, and to perceive it.....

Ok, let's walk through those options....1. Start all over? Not on your life. As far as I was concerned this was a one way ticket, no redirecting, no plane changes, nothing, nada. There was no way I was going to tell someone new all I had already told Taylor. Seriously, was not happening. (grabbing onto Taylor here....) 2. Stop counseling all together, as bad as I wanted to be finished, I knew I wasn't done. There were still many, many things I needed to untangle about myself so that I could help others. I truly wanted to be who God created me to be, and to be used by Him. I knew I still had a lot to work through. 3. Pray and trust.......That really should have been my #1, see what I mean? Did I really think God had brought me this far only to abandon me in the end? Oh ye of little faith.... Mental note, read Hebrews 11 when I get home....the Hall of Faith chapter. :) Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

Conviction of things not seen, do you not perceive (see) it..... beginning to think He has something for me to "see".........

As I left that day we talked about how she knew I wasn't ready to be finished, and she believed starting over wasn't a good option, (but much better than stopping). There was a possiblility I could go for a few months at her new job, but she had to get approval. It was at a local University, with the requirement that you are either a student or on staff....I was neither...This is where we Pray and trust. I remember telling the Lord as I drove off that day, I am willing to do whatever you want me to, and trusting that if someone else is needed to finish the journey of counseling with me, so be it. I didn't much like it, but who am I to say no one else was capable of helping me like Taylor has.....We wouldn't meet again for a few weeks, Taylor was making the transition into the new job. She assured me when we did meet again, I would know if I would continue with her or start over with someone new. Choosing to grab onto Jesus, feet firmly planted on the Rock, I was ready for what the next part of the journey looked like...I couldn't yet percieve it, but I was willing to trust He was doing a new thing....

For I know the plans I have for you,
says the Lord, plans for your welfare
and not for evil, to give you a future
and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Jesus, my hiding place

You are my hiding place;

You preserve me from trouble;

You surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalms 32:7

 In the midst of the enemy’s plan to destroy you, there is a refuge and hiding place.

The enemy set out early on to rob me of all he could. I am sure his plan was to completely destroy me, as I am sure is his plan for everyone. I don’t think I fully understood this, nor had the weight of it fall on me like I did as I sat there listening to Taylor read back to me the memory I had shared the week before.

I can’t think of anything to compare this form of therapy to. Having someone read your memory to you, in detail,  can make you want to vomit. Taylor would stop every now and then to gauge my emotions, noticing my body language; sitting on my hands, head down, with my feet firmly planted on the ground, Taylor began to talk me through what I was feeling. I just remember saying, “Did I make all this up? This could not possibly be true, this is horrible, I must be crazy.” Taylor reassured me this was a normal response to Recall Therapy.  Many, many people have expressed this feeling, hearing your story for the first time from someone else’s mouth makes it almost seem unreal.

The next couple of weeks were more of the same, she would read, and I would listen.  Eventually Taylor noticed my body language had completely changed. I wasn’t as tense and didn’t feel like I was going to come undone. We did this same process for a few more memories over several weeks.  In time, I no longer felt like the memories had control over my emotions, I was beginning to take back that control. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

May turned into June and my daughter and I were planning our mission trip to Nicaragua. I was returning for the third year to the city of Managua, this year getting to go for the first time with my girl. As we boarded the plane to fly into Nicaragua I prayed God would use my journey this far to minister in someway to someone. I didn’t know what that might look like, but I was willing to be used. One of the oppourtunities available to us is sharing our testimony with the church we are connected to there. I had never given mine before, but felt God was telling me to let Kory (youth pastor) know I was willing.  

 As we went door to door later that day inviting the community to church, I experienced one of my “triggers,” a certain smell that usually caused me to have a flash back. It didn’t! I wasn’t moved! I was experiencing His hiding place, He was preserving me in trouble, and He surrounded me with songs of deliverance. To say the least, I was overjoyed. I was experiencing freedom over that area of my past.

When we finished going door to door, we made our way to Church, and Kory gives me the thumbs up to give my testimony. I was excited and terrified at the same time.  More than anything, I wanted to be used and obedient to what God was asking me to do. As I began to speak, peace settled in like nothing I have ever known. I shared my story with honesty and modesty to those beautiful Nicaraguan people, with Allie, my translator by my side. It was a huge part of my healing, trusting the Lord to give me courage and strength to speak in front of strangers, the team I was there with, and most of all my precious daughter, and not fear rejection.....

 

 

Giving my testimony…..

Sometimes freedom and healing doesn’t come quickly or all at once. It comes step by step, as you learn how to trust Him in all things. Who knew part of my healing would happen in a little church in the country of Nicaragua. It truly is a beautiful process, one that requires faith in the only one who can bring “beauty from ashes”….

My "beauty" and I in Nicaragua......

Taking off the mask.....

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:1-2

"I can not take away what happened to you, but I can help you live whole, healed, and healthy."

Taylor spoke those words to me on our first visit, repeating it almost weekly. It's amazing the power in words. Words can either spur us on, or tear us down.  We really don't know how much power our words have. I don't think Taylor even fully grasped how much those words meant to me, they said, you are worth it, I hear your pain, I understand your pain, and I love you enough to walk this out with you. They gave me hope. Much. Needed. Hope.

Before we entered into the dreaded Memory Therapy, she took me through several exercises designed to help me express my feelings. This was the most unnatural thing I have ever done. For her to ask me "how does that make you feel?" would almost send me running out of the room.(standard answer, "I don't know") I really had no idea how to express my feelings verbally. I felt like my feelings were either silly, insignificant, or a complete waste of time. (ain't nobody got time for that) Just suck it up and move on. The problem with suck it up, it makes you sick. Eventually you will vomit it up on something or someone. Usually my poor kids or husband got the pleasure of being showered with my vomit. You can only stuff those feelings down for so long. They will eventually make their way to the surface.

Instead of verbally expressing my feelings at first, she had me paint a paper mache mask. I found this  fitting, sort of the story of my life. I had mastered the mask for many years,  I could paint that puppy up anyway I needed to.It was as common to me as putting on my make up and picking out what to wear. The mask went with me everywhere. It started at a very early age, putting it on to hide the pain, keep the peace, block the feelings. It was a coping mechanism.

I painted the outside of the mask to portray what I gave the world, what I let them see. That was easy, I painted it a flesh tone color, very plain, very surface, with a very big smile. I actually have an Aunt that used to say, "Audra always has a smile on."  I didn't always have to fake the smile, a lot of times were genuine, but when I needed to, I could fake it with the best of them.

The inside of the mask was to be painted to reveal how I felt on the inside. I did it in fourths, one corner was black, representing the shame, and guilt. One corner was in blue, which represented low self-esteem. The next corner was purple, representing the chameleon I felt I had to become to earn acceptance (I felt I just couldn't be real).The last corner was yellow, which was hope. Hope was rising, getting bigger daily.

We went through every corner of that mask, talking about why I felt the way I did, past experiences or even current ones that shaped those feeling.  It was therapeutic for me and it helped her be able to  get me open and talking.

The next week we began the Memory Therapy. I prayed for Taylor constantly during this time, I am not sure how you process all you hear as a therapist and it not effect you. It truly is a calling, not everyone can do what she does, day in and day out. The size of her heart blows me away, she truly does desire everyone who comes across her path to live victoriously. She cried with me, prayed for me, validated me. I can never repay her.

Memory Therapy is just as it sounds. You recall a specific memory and you tell every detail of it. Remembering every sense of that memory, what you saw, smelt, ect. And how you felt during the abuse.This was by far the hardest part of the journey, I had lived it, survived it, didn't care to relive it through words. Apparently, it's supposed to help you heal, take back control, desensitize you to a certain degree. As I began to speak, she wrote, every word. Then it hits me,I have never spoken this out loud,  or shared these details with anyone else on this planet, and will not share with anyone again. There is no purpose in sharing it beyond therapy. It was a necessary part of my healing, and thats where it stays.

 I kept watching for a reaction out of her, waiting for judgement,  or disgust. What I saw moved me beyond words, Tears.... she cried. She apologized to me, she hugged me.

 FREEDOM... I had shared what I held most close and her hair didn't curl, she didn't run out of the room screaming, she didn't judge me.  We continued on, lasting probably about 30 minutes. She explained to me that over the next few weeks she would read what she had written back to me, over and over. Now that I said it, I had to hear it.....I think this was called Recall Therapy. Whatever its called I was glad it was waiting until the next session. I was worn out. I think wrestling a 1,500 pound bull would have been less exhausting.

I went home and slept for several hours, I remember thinking, I did it, I survived Memory Therapy and I didn't come undone! God is good...

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13

Hope stirring....

My counseling sessions began in March of 2012. Winter was exiting, and the promise of spring was right around the corner. The ground was preparing to bring forth flowers that had lain dormant all winter, and I too was beginning to experience a stirring just beneath the surface, hope was beginning to come alive. Hope that I could actually work through all the pain, and come out the other side, healthy, strong.

We went into April just discussing the surface details of my abuse. We worked through untangling memories of when the abuse started, how long it lasted, and how it made me feel now, in this moment, as a 43 year old.

 I was still feeling a lot of shame, guilt and unworthiness.  I remember telling Taylor I just couldn’t understand why I didn’t tell anyone. I recalled a couple of times during the 6 years of abuse that I would try, but I was always vague with my mom. I struggled with the thought that I could have stopped it, if I had just opened my mouth. (Insert triangle analogy here) My thought was “I could have stopped it,” made me feel guilty, response believing it’s my entire fault.

Taylor explained to me that was a thought a 43 year old would have. Of course as an adult you would tell. She asked me what I thought a 5 year old little girl would think. Well, of course that child would be afraid of her abuser. Then Taylor asked me what I would tell a little girl today who was being abused… I would say, it’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong, you’re a child; he groomed you to remain silent.  Life. Changing. Moment.  For the first time I ministered to that blonde haired, blue-eyed girl. It was not my fault, I did nothing wrong, I was a child, he was the adult; he was the one who knew exactly what to say to keep me in fear, to keep me silent.

This brought me to the next question for Taylor, I couldn’t remember what happened to make it stop.  She explained to me that abusers of children typically only want to abuse children. They have no interest in pre-teen or teenagers.  Precious babies, so not the world God had intended on when he created it. Sin is far reaching, and does more damage than our minds can begin to comprehend.

Because of the abuse I believed God was distant and uncaring. It formed my view of Him as someone with whom I had to earn favor.  I felt as though the sin put upon me caused a huge divide between He and I and I wasn’t good enough for Him to love.  Talk about “triangle” working overtime!! I don’t know if I am talking to anyone out there. It may just be me, and my journey.  My view was skewed because of the abuse. When I entered into my counseling, this view was no longer a struggle for me. I have grown in the Lord, and walked with Him long enough to know His love, experience His love, and read about His love through the word of truth. (Bible)

 John 3:16 is proof enough of His love. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Psalm 36:5

The Lord is compassionate and gracious; slow to anger, abounding in love. Psalm 103:8

For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Psalm 108:4

What I was struggling with was the why. I have been told God either allows or ordains situations in our lives. I don’t in anyway believe he ordained this to happen to me or anyone. As my counseling progressed I was trusting God allowed it so I could help others. What the enemy meant for evil, God was going to use for good and to bring Him glory.  

As April turned into May, we were getting ever so close to what I was dreading the most….Memory Therapy. Taylor thought I was ready, but she said it was my call. I felt He was preparing me to face this part of my journey. I would be leaving for Nicaragua in a few weeks and had a sense he was preparing me for something there. I needed to trust Him and the process….I was willing to try….He was gently pulling me up out of this pit…..setting my feet on a firm foundation.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. Psalm 40:1-2

 

 

 

 

You are not alone.....

I am overwhelmed at how many of us are survivors of sexual abuse.  Almost daily, since I started this blog, God has brought a precious girl into my life who is a survivor, who just needs someone to listen. My prayer is he will continue to allow me to minister to them through my story and help them begin their journey to healing.

 I am in no way a professional. My education does not exceed that of a high school diploma. I do however have a master’s degree in the school of life, and I have been told I have a “fire in my belly.” Meaning I tend to be a very passionate person. Sometimes it has served me well, sometimes it has gotten me in trouble.  I view my role as a mentor, friend, someone who has made it through the pain and by the grace of God, found my voice. 

 I know I have said it before, but I want this blog to encourage and empower other girls and women to find the courage to tell someone about their abuse and seek help. 1 in 5 high school girls are raped. Fifty percent of those leave high school without telling anyone. This makes me wonder what the statistics are on those girls entering into relationships they are not ready for, bringing with them a broken heart and crushed spirit. We look for our Prince Charming, the one who will fix our broken heart, and the truth is , there is only one who can do that. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

 As long as we are silent, we won’t heal. If you are a survivor of sexual abuse as a child, teen or young adult and you haven’t told anyone, there is a little girl in you who is frozen in time. She needs ministering to, listening to, loving on, validating, and rescuing. The enemy loves to isolate us and keep us bound in silence. We believe we are the only ones, but with 1 in 4 being abused, we are far from a minority.

The first several weeks of my counseling was centered on learning coping mechanisms, my “triggers” and Taylor getting to know my history, family dynamics and how I viewed myself.

 She took me through several different breathing techniques. PTSD brings on a flood of emotions and memories, or flash backs.  Sometimes memories come when you least expect it, where you least expect it, leaving you paralyzed. If you don’t know the coping mechanisms, you can find yourself in a panic attack. (I have been there many times) Learning how to breathe forced me to focus on breathing instead of the memories, and done right, it sends necessary oxygen to the brain. (Lord knows I need ALL the oxygen to the brain I can get.)  I thought that was a silly way to work through PTSD, breathing, but when I was faced with a flash back or panic attack, I learned really quick how valuable breathing through it was.

We also spent a lot of time figuring out what triggered my flash backs and anxiety. Certain smells, certain facial expressions, certain words, and someone coming on me quickly are a few of my triggers . Once aware, I was more prepared when I encountered them.  

Taylor assured me we would not jump into any form of memory therapy until she thought I was ready for it and not until she felt I had mastered the coping skills she was teaching me. This was crucial in my healing process, having someone who knew how important it was to not throw me in the deep end of the pool. I am sure if she had, I would have just sank to the bottom. 

We worked on my “triangle,” at the top of the triangle is a thought, which causes a feeling, which causes a response. Example, thought; “I am the only one who has been through this.” Feeling; I am so alone. Response; you never ever tell anyone.  This caused me to be active in my healing. I could not show up at the counseling session thinking she was going to “fix” me. I had to be willing to do what she was suggesting. I had to be aware when a thought was a lie, changing the thought before it caused a feeling, then a response.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Philippians 4:8

We discussed a lot in the first few weeks, not diving into details of memories until later. I remember leaving the second session exhausted. One of my “pearls” called to check on me, knowing personally how exhausting it is those first few sessions. You’re sharing all the good bad and ugly of your life, to a total stranger. Most of the things I shared with Taylor, I had never spoken out loud. To hear myself say it was surreal, somehow saying it made it real.  (Like it wasn’t before) I explained to my “pearl” that I had laid down after my session for a nap, I was unable to keep my eyes open. She said your mind thinks you have run a marathon, it’s that intense. She encouraged me to rest, not fight it, and not feel guilty. Praise God for my friend. Praise God we don’t walk this world alone. This is the perfect time for me to say how blessed I am with my husband. There is none other more patient, encouraging and loving to me than my man. He is my biggest fan. God knew I would need a special one…..

 

Taking her by the hand.....

I don’t know about you, but there is something so comforting to me at the thought of Jesus taking that precious child by the hand. He could have just said, “little girl arise” and she would have.  The picture of Him reaching out to her is beautiful, reaching out to help her up. He didn’t wait for her to use her own strength to arise, He was aware of her weakness. He gave her His strength.

I believe with all my heart, that is how we move through our pain to healing.  Only In His Strength. I get so overwhelmed at times with the love and grace of our God. I would be perfectly content to stay in that sweet place of being overwhelmed by Him. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28.

  I learned healing comes through working through the pain. It’s a necessary process, painful at times, but oh so worth it.

When I went back to my next session of counseling, she had gone over my questionnaire, developing a path of treatment to help me untangle all my emotions so that I could get to the other side of my pain. 

As she went over what she had learned, I was shocked at how dead on she was with my emotions and struggles.  My memory of my childhood is horrible at best. I remember the bad, but when something is mentioned that should bring me joy, I can’t for the life of me remember it. I sometimes feel there is a lot of my childhood that I must have just checked out from. So as we begin this process I am told when we suffer trauma, especially as a child, our stress levels raise, which causes our cortisol levels to raise, which in turn affects the area of the brain that holds our memories causing it to not develop. Ok, I get that, makes sense, but how come we remember the bad?

The next thing I learned was, sexual assault victims suffer from PTSD. I thought that was a war thing.  Which makes perfect sense to me now, the other day I was running and someone came up on my left side really fast, I almost clocked him with my elbow. He was running fast to catch his friend. He almost caught my elbow!

I learned that I do “check out,” emotionally and mentally. So many times during my counseling, Taylor would say, “Are you with me? You are checking out on me.” She explained that is a coping mechanism, and it is normal. When the memory or pain is too much, our brain just checks out. I guess that keeps us from completely losing our mind.

I learned I have gathered quite a few nuts on my journey. I almost titled my blog, “A Squirrel’s Journey and the Nuts I Have Gathered.” If I was an animal, it would be a squirrel. Have you ever watched one of them? They are all over the place, running to and fro, finding every nut they can, sometimes gathering more than they can carry.  They store them up so they will have plenty when the cold weather comes. For me, my nuts were all types of different emotions. After talking too many of you who have been abused, it is clear to me that we gather nuts that God never intended for us to. My nuts were, guilt, low self-esteem, performance driven acceptance, jealousy, people pleasing, shame, just to name a few. Unlike my fury friends, I didn’t store them; I took them with me everywhere!

I was beginning to understand the reason I had such a hard time sometimes showing emotion when someone was hurting. This bothered me so much, I wanted to grieve with those who grieve and sometimes the tears would not come. Sometimes our own sin can get in the way, I am not talking about those times. (I have had plenty of those times, trust me)  I had spent so much of my life shoving my feelings down that I had a hard time allowing myself to actually feel. I would check out… So many times Taylor would say, “How does that make you feel?”  And I would just look at her with a blank face. I had to learn how to allow myself to feel.  Learning that it is ok to feel and that my feelings matter, was hard, but good or bad, they mattered.

The last thing I want to share today is, I was beginning to allow myself to be completely honest with God about my feelings when it came to Him, that I felt He had let me down and wasn’t there when I needed Him the most. I don’t know why I thought this was a shock to Him, he already knew that. I was afraid that would make me a bad person, unworthy for Him to love. The one thing I feared the most, was allowing Him to break those walls that I had placed around my heart for protection. Fearing, if that happened, I would completely fall apart and never come back from that.(little men with a straight jacket and a padded room.) How in the world would I put those pieces back together? That’s when He reached out to me, offering His strength, saying, “little girl arise, I will put those pieces back together, don’t be afraid, just believe.” So, with my heart laid bare, eyes open, taking a deep breath, I looked to Him in my weakness and fear.  Let the healing begin....

Happy Birthday to my mom! 71 Today!!!

 

Put out the unbelieving crowd....

They came to the house of the ruler of the synagogue, and Jesus saw a commotion, people weeping and wailing loudly. And when he had entered, he said to them, "Why are you making a commotion and weeping? The child is not dead but sleeping." And they laughed at him. But he put them all outside and took the child's father and mother and those who were with him and went in where the child was. Taking her by the hand he said to her, "Talitha cumi," which means, "Little girl, I say to you, arise. Mark 5:38-41

They laughed at him. My commentary describes those who were laughing as the unbelieving crowd, and if they stayed they would be a distraction. He allowed only the girl's closest family members to witness the miracle.

I knew that I needed to put out the unbelieving crowd as I began the process of counseling. I needed to surround myself with those who I knew loved me and truly wanted me to find healing. Also, I was concerned about loved ones who might worry about me, and that would cause me to worry about them, which would hinder me focusing on true healing, so I waited to share this news with them until the right time.

 One unbelieving person I couldn't put out was myself. I wanted to be healed, I believed God was calling me into helping others that have experienced sexual abuse. He has blessed me beyond measure by allowing me to be in the lives of so many precious teen and college girls. Knowing 1 in 4 girls are abused, I wanted to help them find their voice, but I knew I couldn't do that until I had found my own. I desired the abuse to be used by Him, to bring Him glory. So for all those precious girls out there, and that blonde haired blue eyed  little girl in my childhood home movies, I made the call to get help.(that little girls has been frozen in time for long enough) "Hello, yes, My name is Audra and I have been sexually abused, I need to talk to someone." Here we go....

That first day walking into the counseling center I felt like everyone knew what I was walking in for, I felt vulnerable, scared and a little raw. Reality hit when I got to the door and it was locked. They keep the door locked at all times due to abusers who may be aware the person they abused are there and may attempt to harm them.  That hurt my heart for those sweet victims, and made me a bit angry....Those abusers should be locked up.

 I was surprised to find the lady who opened the door a member of my church. Initial gut feeling? Run, deny why your here, say, "Oh, wait, I am here to adopt a cat.." (humane society is in the same building) But knowing my "pearls" would hold me accountable, being more scared of them dragging me back than actually facing my memories, I went in.

The lady was so sweet, she must have read my mind. She assured me she would tell no one I was coming, I could tell she was not of the "unbelieving crowd" so, I allowed her to be a part of my journey.

As I sat there filling out a 120 questionnaire, I began to look around. Little hand prints that had been dipped in paint on the walls, placed there by sweet little girls who had been in the room before me. A painting with a poem talking about a girls dream of rising above the pain and memories and flying like a butterfly. A caterpillar does spend time wrapped in a cocoon, until the right time when it breaks the outer layers and becomes a new creation.....A new creation, if these little ones can be brave enough to do this, so can I.

I don't know how many of you have filled out one of those questionnaires. I am told they use them for any form of trauma. They give it to soldiers coming home from war, those who have lost family members unexpectedly, domestic violence, sexually assault and I am sure others I don't remember. But they ask the sames questions over and over in different ways. By the time I was done I realized I had a lot of issues!! hahaha I answered them as honestly as I could. Hoping the counselor wouldn't look at my answers and think, "I don't get paid enough for this one!!"

I am going to call the counselor "Taylor" because I am not sure I should mention her name. I immediately felt at ease with her. Although she was young, I trusted her. We spent most of the time in that first session talking about our faith and just surface details of why I was there. (my "pearls"made me come.) haha

I explained to her that I needed to know her source for helping me sort out all my pain, was the same source I was depending on for my healing.  So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Philippians 2:1-2

We scheduled the next meeting for a week out, she needed time to go over the questionnaire and gauge just exactly how messed up I was....(my words, not hers) hahaha Humor is a must for walking this journey.....I could not help but think, oh sweetie, its gonna take longer than a week to go over my questionnaire.

I hope you will continue to come back, my hopes in sharing some of my counseling, is to show its really not so scary and if I can do it, anyone can....

For I, the Lord your God,
 hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, "Fear not,
 I am the one who helps you."
Isaiah 41:13

"Don't be afraid; just believe"

I can't seem to get enough of this passage of scripture in Mark chapter 5. In verse 23 Jarius, the ruler of the synagogue is at the feet of Jesus, pleading with him to COME lay hands on his daughter for healing so she would live. In verse 24 we see the words, So Jesus went with him.....

Wow, JESUS WENT. I have been chewing on that for a couple days. Jesus went. I wonder if this little girl ever fully comprehend the fact that both her earthly father and her heavenly Father were  there at her healing. That is a story I would have written in my journal and handed down through our family line! Jarius asked Jesus to come. And Jesus did...That sweet child AROSE that day with her earthly father and heavenly Father in the same room together. Can it get any better than that????WOW! That gives me something to think about all day...:) I bet her momma was overwhelmed with joy.

Jesus wants to come to us. He wants us to ask Him to come. In the middle of our pain, in the middle of our confusion. At the point of death. Like Jarius, we have to fall at His feet and give it to Him..... All. Of. It. Jarius knew that as much as he loved his daughter, he alone could not make her well. But he knew who could and he stopped at nothing to get her to Jesus. That sweet child wasn't able to get to the feet of Jesus physically, so her daddy went. Isn't that what we are supposed to do for each other? When we are so worn out, confused, hurting, lost, broken, at the point of death? Take each other to the feet of Jesus?

My friends began to encourage me to seek counseling.  My overall feelings with this was, "what good will that do?" "God can heal me without anyone 's help" (let me just say, yes he can!! and sometimes he uses and gifts others to help us sort out our pain) "no way am I going to a stranger and telling them all of this" "I have made it this far" and on and on and on....

Several weeks after my first meltdown with my "Pearls", (that's what we call each other), I had another one...for those of you reading this who don't know me, you must think I am a mess!!! But I promise you, this is not the norm for me. So by this point I am beginning to believe myself (I know my pearls are laughing here, And I believe myself!!! haha) that I need someone to help me sort through all this junk. We are just having a normal conversation (well, not sure normal is the word, we are a bunch of crazy ladies...) with one of the gals telling us about helping a child who was suffering at the hand of an abuser. Here. We. Go. Again. Numb. Frozen. WHAT THE HECK????? Then one of them asks me if I am alright, ever heard the saying "deer in the headlights?" I guess it was all over my face.... Then dam two bursts forth.....SERIOUSLY!!!! Pull yourself together!!!!

All I could think was, "I wish I had her in my life all those years ago." It was obvious to me that day that I had not even begun to heal. If I had, this would not be so hurtful. I would be able to sit here and rejoice in the fact that that child had my "pearl" in her life but I couldn't do that. In true God fashion, one of the other ladies had just finished up counseling and she radiated Joy, she was healing from a wound of her own. She was proof it was a good thing, that it had worked for her. How could I argue with that?

And so began my commitment to seek counseling....I will admit I fought them tooth and nail, my feet were so dug in the sand that hurricane force winds couldn't have moved me. But sometimes you have to trust those that God has placed in your life. They see things we can't see when we are in the middle of our pain. This is not going to surprise you at all if your a follower of Christ, but one of my "Pearls" is a counselor and she knew just who to call for me,( my only requirement was the counselor had to be a  believer. I had to know that she was getting guidance from the same one I was.).....Isn't that just like our God? I cried out, pleading for Him to heal me, and Jesus went......he went before me and prepared the way, preparing those around me to help me along the way.....but I was still afraid.....Overhearing what they said, Jesus told him. "Don't be afraid; just believe." Mark 5:36 I need to just believe....Lord, help me be brave....

FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU, SAYS THE LORD,

PLANS FOR YOUR WELFARE AND NOT FOR EVIL,

TO GIVE YOU A FUTURE AND A HOPE.

JEREMIAH 29:11

 

Seeing that 3 year old through my 43 year old eyes....

First post went out last night, fear set in almost immediately. Had to fight off the thoughts of, "oh. my. gosh. what have I done?" I just laid that out there for the world to see... And one of the biggest things I struggle with is rejection. That being shared, I choose to carry on.

I feel the need to say that I don't want this blog in anyway to be about the abuse, I want it to be about the healing, my journey getting here, and God's faithfulness and mercy.

Wooah, wooah, as I sat there, watching home movies, I was frozen, numb. What in the world? Why is this bothering me so much? It was Christman 2011 and it was decided we would pull out the vidoes from our childhood. I hadn't watched them since I was a kid and my kids had never seen them, so I THOUGHT it was a good idea. 

But there she was, blonde haired, blue eyed little thing. I think she was around 3 or 4. So happy, so full of herself. As I sat there, the thoughts began to roll in my mind. Like, she has no idea what she is in for. She has no clue when she is in kindergarten she will suffer unspeakable acts. She is so stinkin cute. She will have no way out.....Why didn't anyone protect her? Why did God allow this to happen? Then the anger began, seriously, I was angry because of what that precious child was going to go through, I was angry because I felt she was worthy to be protected. Why wasn't she.....

The movies finally stopped and we gathered up all our gifts to head home. I was taking one thing home with me that I hadn't planned on and no one purchased for me....Memories... that night my mind flooded with memories, ones I hadn't had in a very long time. Ones I didn't care to ever have again. I cried myself to sleep. Stuffing it down, telling no one.

I have dealt with this, I am healed. That is all I could do, say those words over and over until hopefully I would believe it. A few days later I did reach out to a friend for prayer. Knowing she has walked the same road as I. It helped to talk to someone but the thoughts and memories would not go away. I prayed, like never before. Lord, please, help me, heal me... I thought I was....

In my distress I called upon the Lord;
  to my God I cried for help,
From his temple he heard my voice,
  and my cry to him reached his ears.
Psalm 18:6

Fast forward a few weeks, spending time with some dear friends, and the dam bursts bringing forth a flood of emotions. Once again, I am caught off guard. What is going on with me? I sat there, raw, laying it all out there for them. I had never allowed myself to be so real. Words like, "How could the God of the universe let this happen?" "Was I not worth it?" "Did he not care?"  "He could have stopped this." I couldn't hardly believe I was allowing myself to be so open. For so long I hid it from everyone, for fear of rejection.... I left there that day feeling like the chains had been broken and the first step was behind me. Ok, that's all I needed to do, right Lord? Share it with someone, get it out, be real....
Now. I. Feel. Raw. 

My friends were awesome, loving, encouraging, they cried with me.....they felt my pain...they validated my pain. They didn't reject me.

Healing begins when you least expect it, but when you need it most, in His perfect time... That blonde haired, blue eyed girl is worth it......

that was just the first step......

ARISE!

Let me begin by introducing myself, my name is Audra. I am a wife to Buddy, a mom to Matt, Kayli and Austin, and a daughter of the King.

I am new to this blogging thing, but I am feeling led to share my story on a greater scale. In hopes that it will in some way help someone else that has been where I have been. Sometimes you need to hear from someone who has walked where you have walked.....I have held my story in for a very long time. But lately I have come to realize, my story is not for me to keep. It is for me to share. I am praying it will inspire someone else to begin their journey to healing, that you too, will ARISE.......

Taking her by the hand he siad to her, "Talitha cumi," which means. "Little girl, I say to you, arise." Mark 5:41

That is my life verse....strange I know, of all the verses in the bible, I would choose that one. Actually, I didn't choose it, God gave it to me. You see, the story is about a ruler of the synagogue, his daughter was at the point of death when he came to Jesus. He asked Jesus to come lay his hands on her, so that she may live. Jesus went. But while on the way someone from the ruler's home came to tell him, his daughter was dead and not to trouble the Teacher any further. Jesus, overhearing what was said, told the ruler, "Do not fear, only believe." When they arrived at the house people where crying loudly. Jesus, when entering asked why they were crying, he said the child is not dead but sleeping. They laughed at him. But he put out everyone except for the child's father and mother and those who were with him and went in where the child was.

And so we see where Jesus says to her, "Talitha cumi" You see, like that little girl, I have been at the point of death. I wasn't at the point of a physical death, but a spiritual and emotional one. Spiritually I was seperated from the Lord because of my sin. Thankfully he saved me and drew me to himself. Unfortunately emotionally I was still at the point of death..........

Like many girls, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. That formed how I viewed myself, my God, and the world around me. For many many years I stuffed it down. Not telling anyone until I was 23 years old. I believed so many lies the enemy threw at me. I truly believed I had dealt with it and that by ignoring it, I was healed. I will take you on this journey in the next few posts, come along if you want. Maybe you have been there, maybe your there. 1 in 4 of us are abused. Not to leave boys out, 1 in 6 of them are abused. We are walking wounded. But I am living proof you can be healed.... I will continue to share over the next few days, life permitting...I hope you will come back.....healing awaits.