After I posted my blog yesterday, a friend text me about a series on affliction that Beth Moore was doing on the TV show Life Today. She had no idea what my post was about....so cool when God does this.
Anyway I wanted to share with all of you the link to her series. It blew me away!!!
Here is the Link....
www.lifetoday.org/video
Under the video that pops on the screen you will see a drop down menu. Click on the "any" one and scroll to Wednesdays in the Word". Session 3 and 4 spoke volumes to me. She is talking about victim affliction in session 3 and mental affliction in session 4. It helped me a lot and so I thought I would share it!
Have a great day!!
In Christ,
Audra
Friday, March 22, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
The bigger picture
My daughter LOVES animals, all kinds of animals, she does not discriminate. In order to make the transition of one more move, we sorta promised her a puppy when we got to Kentucky. (never ever a good idea, they never forget)
Enter Tracker, abandoned at 6 months, the cutest beagle puppy I have ever seen. But he didn't have a lick of sense....He wore me out. Fast forward a few months, it was winter and he needed to go outside. Normally I would put him on a leash (we live in the city) and take him out. It was extremely cold and I just didn't want to go outside. So.... I opened the door and off he went, I mean off, sprint speed. There was a man walking down the road in a long black coat, black hat and black brief case and Tracker was on his heels, circling around and around him. All the guy had to do was reach down to grab hold of Tracker. But he didn't....it was as if he didn't even see the dog, he just kept walking at a steady pace, almost unaware. The direction they were heading in was leading them to a 4 lane road which is typically busy early morning. I knew if he made it all the way down to that intersection, he would be run over. Not at all willing to give that news to Kayli, I dash out the door after him. Picture this, plaid flannel pj's, black rain boots with polka dots (of course polka dots, is there anything else?), and long red bath robe. (not to mention my hair had not seen a brush yet....it was early!)
The more I yell at that crazy animal, the further he goes, all the while circling the mans feet. I am screaming like a mad lady, not to mention looking like one, getting no help from the man in the black coat. I mean I am literally at this mans feet by now, circling him right behind Tracker. He never says a word, never looks at me, never stops walking, no help at all. WHAT IN THE WORLD???!!! By this time I want to hurt the dog and give the man a piece of my mind.(or hurt the man and give the dog a piece of my mind) We continue in this game until we get a few feet from the intersection and I finally get a hold of that dog. Now I am cold, tired, angry and I have to walk back carrying this over-sized beagle 3 blocks because in the madness I didn't grab the leash..... Lesson here? Next time, just put him on the leash and go outside with him....
Ok, so why share this story with you? I think it is a perfect example of us as Children of God. He can see the danger ahead of us, he knows where we are headed when we don't trust Him and His plan for our lives. Like Tracker, sometimes we can't see that intersection and know we have the potential of being road kill! I knew there was no hope for that senseless dog if he made it to the highway. Isn't that just like our enemy, like the man in the black coat, happy to just lead us down a dangerous path and we like the silly dog, with no sense, run full speed ahead?!
God sees the bigger picture....this picture for me and the process of counseling was beginning to come into focus. Gradually you begin to notice changes, in yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your relationships. Things that would have bothered you before counseling, aren't having the same affect on you. Relationships that were unhealthy you recognize and feel freedom to place boundaries. It's like someone cleaned your filter and your beginning to see more clearly what healthy thoughts and relationships look like and believe more fully that there is purpose in your pain. I could see that God was using the counseling to deliver be from a lot of bondage. It's freedom......
When I went back to my next session, I found out they were allowing me to continue with Taylor at her new job at the local University. What a huge answer to prayer. I would go early so it didn't hinder her from helping the college kids. (no college student wanted the 8am slot!) We spent her last couple weeks at her current job discussing self-esteem and unhealthy relationships.
We began untangling my struggle with low Self-esteem, low self-worth, self-doubt, self-condemnation. I call it an onset of mind warfare, it is a lasting side effect of sexual trauma that carried over for me into adulthood. Even though the physical abuse ended, mentally I was still at war, and this battle seemed extremely daunting....
I think the best way to overcome these thoughts are to know Him, seek Him,hide his word in our heart, and to pray for deliverance. To continually be blasting those thoughts with the truth of His Word. There isn't a counseling session that can fix that, only knowing the great Counselor, and taking Him at His word....Psalm 139, all of it....If this is a struggle of yours, I encourage you to read Psalm 139.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:13-14
As I was leaving that day, Taylor tells me she is in charge of planning this years "Take Back the Night" ceremony at the University, and she would like for me to share my story. It's a night dedicated to helping stop the violence against sexual abuse, and to help other victims find their voice. To say I was beside myself with joy is an understatement. I was beginning to see purpose in the pain.....Maybe my story would help someone.....I told her yes!!!! God's timing is perfect...He saw the bigger picture, He wanted me to experience healing, so I could help someone else. Like that silly dog, He had to get a hold of me, He knows sometimes I just don't have much sense!
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Enter Tracker, abandoned at 6 months, the cutest beagle puppy I have ever seen. But he didn't have a lick of sense....He wore me out. Fast forward a few months, it was winter and he needed to go outside. Normally I would put him on a leash (we live in the city) and take him out. It was extremely cold and I just didn't want to go outside. So.... I opened the door and off he went, I mean off, sprint speed. There was a man walking down the road in a long black coat, black hat and black brief case and Tracker was on his heels, circling around and around him. All the guy had to do was reach down to grab hold of Tracker. But he didn't....it was as if he didn't even see the dog, he just kept walking at a steady pace, almost unaware. The direction they were heading in was leading them to a 4 lane road which is typically busy early morning. I knew if he made it all the way down to that intersection, he would be run over. Not at all willing to give that news to Kayli, I dash out the door after him. Picture this, plaid flannel pj's, black rain boots with polka dots (of course polka dots, is there anything else?), and long red bath robe. (not to mention my hair had not seen a brush yet....it was early!)
The more I yell at that crazy animal, the further he goes, all the while circling the mans feet. I am screaming like a mad lady, not to mention looking like one, getting no help from the man in the black coat. I mean I am literally at this mans feet by now, circling him right behind Tracker. He never says a word, never looks at me, never stops walking, no help at all. WHAT IN THE WORLD???!!! By this time I want to hurt the dog and give the man a piece of my mind.(or hurt the man and give the dog a piece of my mind) We continue in this game until we get a few feet from the intersection and I finally get a hold of that dog. Now I am cold, tired, angry and I have to walk back carrying this over-sized beagle 3 blocks because in the madness I didn't grab the leash..... Lesson here? Next time, just put him on the leash and go outside with him....
Ok, so why share this story with you? I think it is a perfect example of us as Children of God. He can see the danger ahead of us, he knows where we are headed when we don't trust Him and His plan for our lives. Like Tracker, sometimes we can't see that intersection and know we have the potential of being road kill! I knew there was no hope for that senseless dog if he made it to the highway. Isn't that just like our enemy, like the man in the black coat, happy to just lead us down a dangerous path and we like the silly dog, with no sense, run full speed ahead?!
God sees the bigger picture....this picture for me and the process of counseling was beginning to come into focus. Gradually you begin to notice changes, in yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your relationships. Things that would have bothered you before counseling, aren't having the same affect on you. Relationships that were unhealthy you recognize and feel freedom to place boundaries. It's like someone cleaned your filter and your beginning to see more clearly what healthy thoughts and relationships look like and believe more fully that there is purpose in your pain. I could see that God was using the counseling to deliver be from a lot of bondage. It's freedom......
When I went back to my next session, I found out they were allowing me to continue with Taylor at her new job at the local University. What a huge answer to prayer. I would go early so it didn't hinder her from helping the college kids. (no college student wanted the 8am slot!) We spent her last couple weeks at her current job discussing self-esteem and unhealthy relationships.
We began untangling my struggle with low Self-esteem, low self-worth, self-doubt, self-condemnation. I call it an onset of mind warfare, it is a lasting side effect of sexual trauma that carried over for me into adulthood. Even though the physical abuse ended, mentally I was still at war, and this battle seemed extremely daunting....
I think the best way to overcome these thoughts are to know Him, seek Him,hide his word in our heart, and to pray for deliverance. To continually be blasting those thoughts with the truth of His Word. There isn't a counseling session that can fix that, only knowing the great Counselor, and taking Him at His word....Psalm 139, all of it....If this is a struggle of yours, I encourage you to read Psalm 139.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:13-14
As I was leaving that day, Taylor tells me she is in charge of planning this years "Take Back the Night" ceremony at the University, and she would like for me to share my story. It's a night dedicated to helping stop the violence against sexual abuse, and to help other victims find their voice. To say I was beside myself with joy is an understatement. I was beginning to see purpose in the pain.....Maybe my story would help someone.....I told her yes!!!! God's timing is perfect...He saw the bigger picture, He wanted me to experience healing, so I could help someone else. Like that silly dog, He had to get a hold of me, He knows sometimes I just don't have much sense!
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
A New Thing
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you
not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:19
If only I could perceive IT, if only I could truly believe he is doing a new thing. If only.... Why can't I trust that a new thing is a good thing!
Opportunities will arise that have the potential to completely knock us off our feet, causing us to fight, and reach for something to hold onto until we find our balance. What or who we grab onto makes all the difference in the world. I wish I could say I automatically reach for Jesus, and regain my balance quickly, but that would be far from the truth.Sometimes you just want someone with skin on, some people have less skin on now because of me, I still have some of Buddy's skin under my nails! I have grabbed onto people that I had no business taking hold of, nothing or no one on this earth is as solid as the Rock, the only one who can steady us and plant our feet firmly on solid ground.
My feet got knocked off balance just a little bit when I returned home from Nicaragua; going in to see Taylor she tells me she has taken a new job. What? Wait.... What? (insert picture of me grabbing, grasping, trying to hold on) I know for some of you, your thinking; what is the big deal? Well my options were 1. Start all over with a new Counselor 2. Just stop counseling all together 3. Pray and trust God is doing a new thing, and to perceive it.....
Ok, let's walk through those options....1. Start all over? Not on your life. As far as I was concerned this was a one way ticket, no redirecting, no plane changes, nothing, nada. There was no way I was going to tell someone new all I had already told Taylor. Seriously, was not happening. (grabbing onto Taylor here....) 2. Stop counseling all together, as bad as I wanted to be finished, I knew I wasn't done. There were still many, many things I needed to untangle about myself so that I could help others. I truly wanted to be who God created me to be, and to be used by Him. I knew I still had a lot to work through. 3. Pray and trust.......That really should have been my #1, see what I mean? Did I really think God had brought me this far only to abandon me in the end? Oh ye of little faith.... Mental note, read Hebrews 11 when I get home....the Hall of Faith chapter. :) Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1
Conviction of things not seen, do you not perceive (see) it..... beginning to think He has something for me to "see".........
As I left that day we talked about how she knew I wasn't ready to be finished, and she believed starting over wasn't a good option, (but much better than stopping). There was a possiblility I could go for a few months at her new job, but she had to get approval. It was at a local University, with the requirement that you are either a student or on staff....I was neither...This is where we Pray and trust. I remember telling the Lord as I drove off that day, I am willing to do whatever you want me to, and trusting that if someone else is needed to finish the journey of counseling with me, so be it. I didn't much like it, but who am I to say no one else was capable of helping me like Taylor has.....We wouldn't meet again for a few weeks, Taylor was making the transition into the new job. She assured me when we did meet again, I would know if I would continue with her or start over with someone new. Choosing to grab onto Jesus, feet firmly planted on the Rock, I was ready for what the next part of the journey looked like...I couldn't yet percieve it, but I was willing to trust He was doing a new thing....
For I know the plans I have for you,
says the Lord, plans for your welfare
and not for evil, to give you a future
and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
now it springs forth, do you
not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:19
If only I could perceive IT, if only I could truly believe he is doing a new thing. If only.... Why can't I trust that a new thing is a good thing!
Opportunities will arise that have the potential to completely knock us off our feet, causing us to fight, and reach for something to hold onto until we find our balance. What or who we grab onto makes all the difference in the world. I wish I could say I automatically reach for Jesus, and regain my balance quickly, but that would be far from the truth.Sometimes you just want someone with skin on, some people have less skin on now because of me, I still have some of Buddy's skin under my nails! I have grabbed onto people that I had no business taking hold of, nothing or no one on this earth is as solid as the Rock, the only one who can steady us and plant our feet firmly on solid ground.
My feet got knocked off balance just a little bit when I returned home from Nicaragua; going in to see Taylor she tells me she has taken a new job. What? Wait.... What? (insert picture of me grabbing, grasping, trying to hold on) I know for some of you, your thinking; what is the big deal? Well my options were 1. Start all over with a new Counselor 2. Just stop counseling all together 3. Pray and trust God is doing a new thing, and to perceive it.....
Ok, let's walk through those options....1. Start all over? Not on your life. As far as I was concerned this was a one way ticket, no redirecting, no plane changes, nothing, nada. There was no way I was going to tell someone new all I had already told Taylor. Seriously, was not happening. (grabbing onto Taylor here....) 2. Stop counseling all together, as bad as I wanted to be finished, I knew I wasn't done. There were still many, many things I needed to untangle about myself so that I could help others. I truly wanted to be who God created me to be, and to be used by Him. I knew I still had a lot to work through. 3. Pray and trust.......That really should have been my #1, see what I mean? Did I really think God had brought me this far only to abandon me in the end? Oh ye of little faith.... Mental note, read Hebrews 11 when I get home....the Hall of Faith chapter. :) Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1
Conviction of things not seen, do you not perceive (see) it..... beginning to think He has something for me to "see".........
As I left that day we talked about how she knew I wasn't ready to be finished, and she believed starting over wasn't a good option, (but much better than stopping). There was a possiblility I could go for a few months at her new job, but she had to get approval. It was at a local University, with the requirement that you are either a student or on staff....I was neither...This is where we Pray and trust. I remember telling the Lord as I drove off that day, I am willing to do whatever you want me to, and trusting that if someone else is needed to finish the journey of counseling with me, so be it. I didn't much like it, but who am I to say no one else was capable of helping me like Taylor has.....We wouldn't meet again for a few weeks, Taylor was making the transition into the new job. She assured me when we did meet again, I would know if I would continue with her or start over with someone new. Choosing to grab onto Jesus, feet firmly planted on the Rock, I was ready for what the next part of the journey looked like...I couldn't yet percieve it, but I was willing to trust He was doing a new thing....
For I know the plans I have for you,
says the Lord, plans for your welfare
and not for evil, to give you a future
and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Jesus, my hiding place
You are my hiding
place;
You preserve me from trouble;
You surround me with
songs of deliverance.
Psalms 32:7
In the midst of the enemy’s
plan to destroy you, there is a refuge and hiding place.
The enemy set out early on to rob me of all he could. I am
sure his plan was to completely destroy me, as I am sure is his plan for everyone. I
don’t think I fully understood this, nor had the weight of it fall on me like I
did as I sat there listening to Taylor read back to me the memory I had shared
the week before.
I can’t think of anything to compare this form of therapy
to. Having someone read your memory to you, in detail, can make you want to
vomit. Taylor would stop every now and then to gauge my emotions, noticing my body language; sitting on my hands, head
down, with my feet firmly planted on the ground, Taylor began to talk me
through what I was feeling. I just remember saying, “Did I make all this up?
This could not possibly be true, this is horrible, I must be crazy.” Taylor
reassured me this was a normal response to Recall Therapy. Many, many people have expressed this
feeling, hearing your story for the first time from someone else’s mouth
makes it almost seem unreal.
The next couple of weeks were more of the same, she would
read, and I would listen. Eventually
Taylor noticed my body language had completely changed. I wasn’t as tense and
didn’t feel like I was going to come undone. We did this same process for a few
more memories over several weeks. In
time, I no longer felt like the memories had control over my emotions, I was
beginning to take back that control. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
May turned into June and my daughter and I were planning our
mission trip to Nicaragua. I was returning for the third year to the city of
Managua, this year getting to go for the first time with my girl. As we boarded
the plane to fly into Nicaragua I prayed God would use my journey this far to
minister in someway to someone. I didn’t know what that might look like, but I was
willing to be used. One of the oppourtunities available to us is sharing our testimony with the church we are connected to there. I had never given mine before, but felt God was telling me to let Kory (youth pastor) know I was willing.
As we went door to
door later that day inviting the community to church, I experienced one of my “triggers,”
a certain smell that usually caused me to have a flash back. It didn’t! I wasn’t
moved! I was experiencing His hiding
place, He was preserving me in trouble, and He surrounded me with songs of deliverance. To say
the least, I was overjoyed. I was experiencing freedom over that area of my
past.
When we finished going door to door, we made our way to
Church, and Kory gives me the thumbs up to give my testimony. I was excited and
terrified at the same time. More than anything, I wanted to be used and obedient to what God was
asking me to do. As I began to speak, peace settled in like nothing I have ever
known. I shared my story with honesty and modesty to those beautiful Nicaraguan
people, with Allie, my translator by my side. It was a huge part of my healing,
trusting the Lord to give me courage and strength to speak in front of
strangers, the team I was there with, and most of all my precious daughter, and
not fear rejection.....
Giving my testimony…..
Sometimes freedom and healing doesn’t come quickly or all at
once. It comes step by step, as you learn how to trust Him in all things. Who
knew part of my healing would happen in a little church in the country of
Nicaragua. It truly is a beautiful process, one that requires faith in the only
one who can bring “beauty from ashes”….
Friday, March 1, 2013
Taking off the mask.....
Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:1-2
"I can not take away what happened to you, but I can help you live whole, healed, and healthy."
Taylor spoke those words to me on our first visit, repeating it almost weekly. It's amazing the power in words. Words can either spur us on, or tear us down. We really don't know how much power our words have. I don't think Taylor even fully grasped how much those words meant to me, they said, you are worth it, I hear your pain, I understand your pain, and I love you enough to walk this out with you. They gave me hope. Much. Needed. Hope.
Before we entered into the dreaded Memory Therapy, she took me through several exercises designed to help me express my feelings. This was the most unnatural thing I have ever done. For her to ask me "how does that make you feel?" would almost send me running out of the room.(standard answer, "I don't know") I really had no idea how to express my feelings verbally. I felt like my feelings were either silly, insignificant, or a complete waste of time. (ain't nobody got time for that) Just suck it up and move on. The problem with suck it up, it makes you sick. Eventually you will vomit it up on something or someone. Usually my poor kids or husband got the pleasure of being showered with my vomit. You can only stuff those feelings down for so long. They will eventually make their way to the surface.
Instead of verbally expressing my feelings at first, she had me paint a paper mache mask. I found this fitting, sort of the story of my life. I had mastered the mask for many years, I could paint that puppy up anyway I needed to.It was as common to me as putting on my make up and picking out what to wear. The mask went with me everywhere. It started at a very early age, putting it on to hide the pain, keep the peace, block the feelings. It was a coping mechanism.
I painted the outside of the mask to portray what I gave the world, what I let them see. That was easy, I painted it a flesh tone color, very plain, very surface, with a very big smile. I actually have an Aunt that used to say, "Audra always has a smile on." I didn't always have to fake the smile, a lot of times were genuine, but when I needed to, I could fake it with the best of them.
The inside of the mask was to be painted to reveal how I felt on the inside. I did it in fourths, one corner was black, representing the shame, and guilt. One corner was in blue, which represented low self-esteem. The next corner was purple, representing the chameleon I felt I had to become to earn acceptance (I felt I just couldn't be real).The last corner was yellow, which was hope. Hope was rising, getting bigger daily.
We went through every corner of that mask, talking about why I felt the way I did, past experiences or even current ones that shaped those feeling. It was therapeutic for me and it helped her be able to get me open and talking.
The next week we began the Memory Therapy. I prayed for Taylor constantly during this time, I am not sure how you process all you hear as a therapist and it not effect you. It truly is a calling, not everyone can do what she does, day in and day out. The size of her heart blows me away, she truly does desire everyone who comes across her path to live victoriously. She cried with me, prayed for me, validated me. I can never repay her.
Memory Therapy is just as it sounds. You recall a specific memory and you tell every detail of it. Remembering every sense of that memory, what you saw, smelt, ect. And how you felt during the abuse.This was by far the hardest part of the journey, I had lived it, survived it, didn't care to relive it through words. Apparently, it's supposed to help you heal, take back control, desensitize you to a certain degree. As I began to speak, she wrote, every word. Then it hits me,I have never spoken this out loud, or shared these details with anyone else on this planet, and will not share with anyone again. There is no purpose in sharing it beyond therapy. It was a necessary part of my healing, and thats where it stays.
I kept watching for a reaction out of her, waiting for judgement, or disgust. What I saw moved me beyond words, Tears.... she cried. She apologized to me, she hugged me.
FREEDOM... I had shared what I held most close and her hair didn't curl, she didn't run out of the room screaming, she didn't judge me. We continued on, lasting probably about 30 minutes. She explained to me that over the next few weeks she would read what she had written back to me, over and over. Now that I said it, I had to hear it.....I think this was called Recall Therapy. Whatever its called I was glad it was waiting until the next session. I was worn out. I think wrestling a 1,500 pound bull would have been less exhausting.
I went home and slept for several hours, I remember thinking, I did it, I survived Memory Therapy and I didn't come undone! God is good...
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:1-2
"I can not take away what happened to you, but I can help you live whole, healed, and healthy."
Taylor spoke those words to me on our first visit, repeating it almost weekly. It's amazing the power in words. Words can either spur us on, or tear us down. We really don't know how much power our words have. I don't think Taylor even fully grasped how much those words meant to me, they said, you are worth it, I hear your pain, I understand your pain, and I love you enough to walk this out with you. They gave me hope. Much. Needed. Hope.
Before we entered into the dreaded Memory Therapy, she took me through several exercises designed to help me express my feelings. This was the most unnatural thing I have ever done. For her to ask me "how does that make you feel?" would almost send me running out of the room.(standard answer, "I don't know") I really had no idea how to express my feelings verbally. I felt like my feelings were either silly, insignificant, or a complete waste of time. (ain't nobody got time for that) Just suck it up and move on. The problem with suck it up, it makes you sick. Eventually you will vomit it up on something or someone. Usually my poor kids or husband got the pleasure of being showered with my vomit. You can only stuff those feelings down for so long. They will eventually make their way to the surface.
Instead of verbally expressing my feelings at first, she had me paint a paper mache mask. I found this fitting, sort of the story of my life. I had mastered the mask for many years, I could paint that puppy up anyway I needed to.It was as common to me as putting on my make up and picking out what to wear. The mask went with me everywhere. It started at a very early age, putting it on to hide the pain, keep the peace, block the feelings. It was a coping mechanism.
I painted the outside of the mask to portray what I gave the world, what I let them see. That was easy, I painted it a flesh tone color, very plain, very surface, with a very big smile. I actually have an Aunt that used to say, "Audra always has a smile on." I didn't always have to fake the smile, a lot of times were genuine, but when I needed to, I could fake it with the best of them.
The inside of the mask was to be painted to reveal how I felt on the inside. I did it in fourths, one corner was black, representing the shame, and guilt. One corner was in blue, which represented low self-esteem. The next corner was purple, representing the chameleon I felt I had to become to earn acceptance (I felt I just couldn't be real).The last corner was yellow, which was hope. Hope was rising, getting bigger daily.
We went through every corner of that mask, talking about why I felt the way I did, past experiences or even current ones that shaped those feeling. It was therapeutic for me and it helped her be able to get me open and talking.
The next week we began the Memory Therapy. I prayed for Taylor constantly during this time, I am not sure how you process all you hear as a therapist and it not effect you. It truly is a calling, not everyone can do what she does, day in and day out. The size of her heart blows me away, she truly does desire everyone who comes across her path to live victoriously. She cried with me, prayed for me, validated me. I can never repay her.
Memory Therapy is just as it sounds. You recall a specific memory and you tell every detail of it. Remembering every sense of that memory, what you saw, smelt, ect. And how you felt during the abuse.This was by far the hardest part of the journey, I had lived it, survived it, didn't care to relive it through words. Apparently, it's supposed to help you heal, take back control, desensitize you to a certain degree. As I began to speak, she wrote, every word. Then it hits me,I have never spoken this out loud, or shared these details with anyone else on this planet, and will not share with anyone again. There is no purpose in sharing it beyond therapy. It was a necessary part of my healing, and thats where it stays.
I kept watching for a reaction out of her, waiting for judgement, or disgust. What I saw moved me beyond words, Tears.... she cried. She apologized to me, she hugged me.
FREEDOM... I had shared what I held most close and her hair didn't curl, she didn't run out of the room screaming, she didn't judge me. We continued on, lasting probably about 30 minutes. She explained to me that over the next few weeks she would read what she had written back to me, over and over. Now that I said it, I had to hear it.....I think this was called Recall Therapy. Whatever its called I was glad it was waiting until the next session. I was worn out. I think wrestling a 1,500 pound bull would have been less exhausting.
I went home and slept for several hours, I remember thinking, I did it, I survived Memory Therapy and I didn't come undone! God is good...
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13
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