I seriously can't believe the summer is almost over. I don't know about where you live, but where I am from; school starts next week. Our youngest begins his junior year, and I can't believe we only have one left to graduate High School. I have warned him that I might suffocate him!!! As summer fades into a memory, the hope of fall is right around the corner, and for us that means Football!!!! I absolutely love me some football!
There are so many memories from this summer, ones that I will treasure forever, and others I would be happy to forget.....But in all of them God was good and His grace was sufficient. I am reminded of how far he has brought me since last summer, the healing I have experienced and the freedom that healing brings. Snapshots of past hurts and pains are replaced with snapshots of forgiveness, healing and helping others.
One snapshot that blesses me every time I think of it, is a conversation I had with one of the most precious young women I have ever met, she was nearing her wedding day and was so afraid the pain of her own childhood abuse would affect her life as a wife. With tears streaming down her face, she shared her journey with me. It was one of tremendous pain, wounds that ran deep......and as she was sharing the intimate details of her heart, ones that she held very close, I realized I was sitting with a miracle. The person before me was a miracle,knowing what she had been through and the woman she is today, is nothing short of a miracle. She radiated Christ, her gentle and quiet spirit was refreshing, and you would never ever guess what she had endured.
It's in those moments that I am so thankful for the journey I survived, because in that journey, I can feel her pain, validate her pain, understand her pain, but most importantly, I wouldn't trade those sweet relationships for anything. When she had finished sharing her journey and the fear she was holding onto, the Lord pressed something on my heart so heavy it was as if I would explode if I didn't share it with her.
The words just spilled out.......YOU MADE IT, you walked through the worst thing you can imagine and you survived. You survived!!!! You are here, with me today, a strong, godly woman. He carried you through your pain, giving you a sound mind. Why would he not continue to carry you now? Whatever you face from this day forward, His grace is sufficient. As soon as I had finished saying those words to her, I felt in my own spirit that the Lord was telling me, "that goes for you too" His Grace is Sufficient....
Another snapshot I will store up and treasure in my heart, is walking with a precious young lady as she began and finished her own counseling. She trusted me with her journey, allowing me to love her through her healing process. I have literally witnessed God transform her before my eyes. The connection I have with her will always and forever be dear to me. I pray God will always allow me to be a part of her journey. It's a relationship that can't be manipulated, it is God given......And I can't even begin to imagine what God has in store for her!! His Grace is Sufficient.....
My counseling was finished in November of last year, but my healing continues day by day. And as strange as it sounds, I heal a little bit more every time I share my journey with someone. I believe every time I share I take back a little more control....His Grace is Sufficient....
But he said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" Therefore I will baoast all the more gladly about my weaknessess, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Friday, August 2, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Filling in Holes.....
I can't believe its been a month since I have blogged.....honestly, I knew life would happen and there would be moments when I just wouldn't have time to put my thoughts into words. This past month has been a series of those moments, because my thoughts have been on my sweet daughter's high school graduation, bringing us much joy with a tiny bit of sadness....But I will say, she is so ready for the next season of her life, and for that, I am forever grateful.
Do you ever have one of those moments in conversation with someone and they say something so profound you chew on it for days? That recently happened to me as I caught up over the phone with a dear "old" friend. She shared with me that she was feeling as if she was coming out of a fog. A fog that she said lasted 10 years. Over those 10 years she has been through a lot, dealing with her own pain and in her words, she was just filling in holes..... FILLING IN HOLES..... wow.....that was profound to me. I began to see how I have done that over the years, not meaning to, unaware I was, but none the less, filling in holes. Holes that only can be filled by my heavenly Father. Holes that he is aware of, as the creator of my heart. Every place of my heart, He wants to fill. What or who we fill those holes with can vary from person to person. But we all search for that "one thing" that will bring us complete happiness, fulfillment and peace. It does not exsist in anyone or anything other than our Lord. Even as believers, we can find ourselves trying to fill a hole with something other than Him. But we have a High Priest who can meet us in our time of need, our time of trying to fill an empty space in our hearts. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16
Some of the things we use to fill holes, can take root or begin to rot. Those things have to be dug out and removed. It is painful, unpleasant, and humbling but necessary.
The next thing my friend said was more profound than the first.... she shared she had been keeping the surface appearing smooth, and in doing so she was unaware of the things she was filling her holes with, were not healthy. She worked very hard at making others (and herself) believe everything was smooth in her life.
KEEP THE SURFACE APPEARING SMOOTH......she wasn't aware of it when she was in the middle of it, but now looking back, she can see it. As long as we believe the lie that these "things" fill us up, we never fully deal with what is truly going on below the surface. And as long as we keep others at surface level, we don't enjoy the blessing of true fellowship.
My friend is one of the strongest women I know, my prayer for her as the fog continues to clear, is she will allow herself to embrace the Love, Forgiveness, and Grace of her heavenly Father, forgiving herself, allowing him to dig up anything in her heart that has taken his place and replace it with Him. I pray this for myself, I encourage everyone to do this....none of us are immune to "filling in holes" or "keeping the surface appearing smooth..."
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
Psalm 139:23-24
Do you ever have one of those moments in conversation with someone and they say something so profound you chew on it for days? That recently happened to me as I caught up over the phone with a dear "old" friend. She shared with me that she was feeling as if she was coming out of a fog. A fog that she said lasted 10 years. Over those 10 years she has been through a lot, dealing with her own pain and in her words, she was just filling in holes..... FILLING IN HOLES..... wow.....that was profound to me. I began to see how I have done that over the years, not meaning to, unaware I was, but none the less, filling in holes. Holes that only can be filled by my heavenly Father. Holes that he is aware of, as the creator of my heart. Every place of my heart, He wants to fill. What or who we fill those holes with can vary from person to person. But we all search for that "one thing" that will bring us complete happiness, fulfillment and peace. It does not exsist in anyone or anything other than our Lord. Even as believers, we can find ourselves trying to fill a hole with something other than Him. But we have a High Priest who can meet us in our time of need, our time of trying to fill an empty space in our hearts. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16
Some of the things we use to fill holes, can take root or begin to rot. Those things have to be dug out and removed. It is painful, unpleasant, and humbling but necessary.
The next thing my friend said was more profound than the first.... she shared she had been keeping the surface appearing smooth, and in doing so she was unaware of the things she was filling her holes with, were not healthy. She worked very hard at making others (and herself) believe everything was smooth in her life.
KEEP THE SURFACE APPEARING SMOOTH......she wasn't aware of it when she was in the middle of it, but now looking back, she can see it. As long as we believe the lie that these "things" fill us up, we never fully deal with what is truly going on below the surface. And as long as we keep others at surface level, we don't enjoy the blessing of true fellowship.
My friend is one of the strongest women I know, my prayer for her as the fog continues to clear, is she will allow herself to embrace the Love, Forgiveness, and Grace of her heavenly Father, forgiving herself, allowing him to dig up anything in her heart that has taken his place and replace it with Him. I pray this for myself, I encourage everyone to do this....none of us are immune to "filling in holes" or "keeping the surface appearing smooth..."
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
Psalm 139:23-24
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Shock Waves
There are times in our lives that literally rock our world and shake our faith. They can come on like an earthquake, unexpected, shaking us so hard we feel it to the core. I have never experienced an earthquake, but I have often wondered what that must be like, when everything around you threatens to fall in and there is nothing steady to grab on to. Even after the inital quake there is the possibility of shock waves (smaller tremors that sometimes aren't even felt) for days to come, and although the epicenter of the quake is often the worst, it can be felt for miles in any direction. The destruction, devestation and mess it leaves behind is overwhelming. I would imagine after the dust settles, it leaves the survivors wondering what in the world just happened? One minute we have a home, the next it's in a pile at our feet.....
We live on one of the biggest fault lines in America, the New Madrid Fault. I grew up hearing about it, lived through people making predictions when the "big one" would happen. So far it hasn't happened yet. We have had very small shakes, like something is stirring underneath, but nothing major. It's one of those things you know could happen, but you don't live day by day in fear of it. This is a reminder of how we can face everyday as children of God. We are aware at any minute the earth can move beneath us, turning us upside down, causing us to wonder what just happened, but we can't live our life in fear of what might happen . We need to trust the one who controls every little quake that comes our way, knowing when the dust clears, He will comfort us, strengthen us and set our feet on solid ground.
We all have earthquakes in our lives, some small, some large, but they all have the potential to cause major destruction. I am thinking of different people I know who have had the earth move under their feet so hard, so fast and so unexpected that I believe with everything in me, if it were not for their relationship with Christ, they too would have broken to pieces. But instead they grabbed hold of the only One that wasn't shaking when their whole world was. Some are still feeling the shock waves of that inital quake and will for the rest of their lives. But by God's unending grace, we begin to clear the rubble and rebuild.
I gave my speech at "Take Back the Night," and what happened next I really didn't expect. I went from feeling freedom, to feeling very vulnerable and exposed. I had gone from the safe place of four walls and one person, to a couple hundred people who could possible tell a couple hundred people who could tell..... Typing that now seems like such a silly thing to worry about. I mean really, most of them probably don't even remember my name, much less what I said. But at the time, it overwhelmed me. It took all I could to not completely cut myself off from everyone and everything, to self-protect by isolating myself. I guess the need to isolate and self-protect is a normal "side effect" of abuse, when we feel vulnerable or threatened we retreat, waiting until we feel it's safe to come out. I think sometimes it's not only ok to do this, it's necessary, but never does it need to go on for long periods of time, then it becomes harder and harder to get back into life. Trust me, I know, Shock Waves.......
I seem to go through periods of isolation, and recently a much wiser sister in the faith said these words to me, "Sometimes you have to isolate yourself for a time from all the other "voices" in your life, so that you can hear the one true "Voice." Amen!
For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly moved.
Psalm 62:1-2
I pray for those of you who are reading this, I realize some may be wondering who the one true "Voice" is.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever should believe in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16 .
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23
For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9
We live on one of the biggest fault lines in America, the New Madrid Fault. I grew up hearing about it, lived through people making predictions when the "big one" would happen. So far it hasn't happened yet. We have had very small shakes, like something is stirring underneath, but nothing major. It's one of those things you know could happen, but you don't live day by day in fear of it. This is a reminder of how we can face everyday as children of God. We are aware at any minute the earth can move beneath us, turning us upside down, causing us to wonder what just happened, but we can't live our life in fear of what might happen . We need to trust the one who controls every little quake that comes our way, knowing when the dust clears, He will comfort us, strengthen us and set our feet on solid ground.
We all have earthquakes in our lives, some small, some large, but they all have the potential to cause major destruction. I am thinking of different people I know who have had the earth move under their feet so hard, so fast and so unexpected that I believe with everything in me, if it were not for their relationship with Christ, they too would have broken to pieces. But instead they grabbed hold of the only One that wasn't shaking when their whole world was. Some are still feeling the shock waves of that inital quake and will for the rest of their lives. But by God's unending grace, we begin to clear the rubble and rebuild.
I gave my speech at "Take Back the Night," and what happened next I really didn't expect. I went from feeling freedom, to feeling very vulnerable and exposed. I had gone from the safe place of four walls and one person, to a couple hundred people who could possible tell a couple hundred people who could tell..... Typing that now seems like such a silly thing to worry about. I mean really, most of them probably don't even remember my name, much less what I said. But at the time, it overwhelmed me. It took all I could to not completely cut myself off from everyone and everything, to self-protect by isolating myself. I guess the need to isolate and self-protect is a normal "side effect" of abuse, when we feel vulnerable or threatened we retreat, waiting until we feel it's safe to come out. I think sometimes it's not only ok to do this, it's necessary, but never does it need to go on for long periods of time, then it becomes harder and harder to get back into life. Trust me, I know, Shock Waves.......
I seem to go through periods of isolation, and recently a much wiser sister in the faith said these words to me, "Sometimes you have to isolate yourself for a time from all the other "voices" in your life, so that you can hear the one true "Voice." Amen!
For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly moved.
Psalm 62:1-2
I pray for those of you who are reading this, I realize some may be wondering who the one true "Voice" is.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever should believe in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16 .
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23
For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Take Back the Night
1 in 4...... one, two, three, FOUR....one, two, three, FOUR....
As I walked across campus to get to my first counseling session at the University, I began to count the girls, wondering just which ones have walked where I have. Sometimes it's easy to pick the wounded girl out, the one walking head down, not making eye contact, or the one who wears the long sleeves to hide the cutting, she also could be the girl with the smile she wears to mask the pain, or the really loud girl dying for attention, just to not be invisible....But however she deals, she is out there....walking among us.
I want to help, I want to share the love of Christ with her, with all of them. I want to give her hope. I want to let her know what has been done to her, does not define her. Who she is in Christ, defines her, she is the apple of his eye, she is fearfully and wonderfully made, she is not alone. I also want to share the gospel with those who don't know Him. Those who have a hole in their heart that only He can fill, telling her He didn't do those unspeakable things to her, sin in the world caused that pain, choices made by others caused that pain. But He can heal, restore and redeem her....
They say your ministry is what you are passionate about, (let me say my main and most important ministry is being a wife and mom, which is my highest calling) I am passionate about letting as many girls as I can know that God loves them so very much and there is freedom in him.....that they can walk in victory, head held high.
Recently I heard our Pastor say that God continues to work on us as he works through us in ministry. That brings me so much hope, knowing full well there is much work on me left to do, and that He chooses to still use me in my imperfectness.
It was September, Taylor and I were preparing for the "Take Back the Night" ceremony to be held on campus. The ceremony is designed to bring awareness to sexual abuse and help victims find their voice. As I was doing research on the statistics, what I found was shocking.
1 in 5 high school girls are raped, 50% never tell.
Girls who are raped in college and don't tell, 70% of them are likely to be raped again.
1 in 4 girls suffer childhood sexual abuse
1 in 6 boys suffer childhood sexual abuse
I know I have already said it, but its worth saying again; if you think your alone, your not. If you think no one will understand, they will. If you think you will never heal, you can. Chances are, you have a friend who has been through the same thing...
I thought I would share my speech from that night. I hope in some way it will help you. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have the courage to stand before 250 people and tell my story. (and live! haha) I was told in the past the ceremony brings 40-100 people....well, this year it brought around 250 (my rough guess) the sororities and fraternities required freshman to attend. As I stepped up to the microphone and looked out, it took my breath. We were on the schools soccer field, young girls sitting on blankets, with fraternity boys standing along the back, like a wall. All those precious faces, I was a little nervous but more than that, overwhelmed that God was using my pain to help bring hope and healing to someone else....Purpose in the pain. He doesn't waste one ounce of our journey.
The following is my speech from "Take Back the Night" September 25, 2012
As I walked across campus to get to my first counseling session at the University, I began to count the girls, wondering just which ones have walked where I have. Sometimes it's easy to pick the wounded girl out, the one walking head down, not making eye contact, or the one who wears the long sleeves to hide the cutting, she also could be the girl with the smile she wears to mask the pain, or the really loud girl dying for attention, just to not be invisible....But however she deals, she is out there....walking among us.
I want to help, I want to share the love of Christ with her, with all of them. I want to give her hope. I want to let her know what has been done to her, does not define her. Who she is in Christ, defines her, she is the apple of his eye, she is fearfully and wonderfully made, she is not alone. I also want to share the gospel with those who don't know Him. Those who have a hole in their heart that only He can fill, telling her He didn't do those unspeakable things to her, sin in the world caused that pain, choices made by others caused that pain. But He can heal, restore and redeem her....
They say your ministry is what you are passionate about, (let me say my main and most important ministry is being a wife and mom, which is my highest calling) I am passionate about letting as many girls as I can know that God loves them so very much and there is freedom in him.....that they can walk in victory, head held high.
Recently I heard our Pastor say that God continues to work on us as he works through us in ministry. That brings me so much hope, knowing full well there is much work on me left to do, and that He chooses to still use me in my imperfectness.
It was September, Taylor and I were preparing for the "Take Back the Night" ceremony to be held on campus. The ceremony is designed to bring awareness to sexual abuse and help victims find their voice. As I was doing research on the statistics, what I found was shocking.
1 in 5 high school girls are raped, 50% never tell.
Girls who are raped in college and don't tell, 70% of them are likely to be raped again.
1 in 4 girls suffer childhood sexual abuse
1 in 6 boys suffer childhood sexual abuse
I know I have already said it, but its worth saying again; if you think your alone, your not. If you think no one will understand, they will. If you think you will never heal, you can. Chances are, you have a friend who has been through the same thing...
I thought I would share my speech from that night. I hope in some way it will help you. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have the courage to stand before 250 people and tell my story. (and live! haha) I was told in the past the ceremony brings 40-100 people....well, this year it brought around 250 (my rough guess) the sororities and fraternities required freshman to attend. As I stepped up to the microphone and looked out, it took my breath. We were on the schools soccer field, young girls sitting on blankets, with fraternity boys standing along the back, like a wall. All those precious faces, I was a little nervous but more than that, overwhelmed that God was using my pain to help bring hope and healing to someone else....Purpose in the pain. He doesn't waste one ounce of our journey.
The following is my speech from "Take Back the Night" September 25, 2012
The word Survivor, by definition is to carry on despite hardships or trauma, to cope with trauma; to persevere.
As a survivor myself of childhood sexual abuse, I want to speak to all of you who are survivors of sexual abuse, those who have found your voice and those who are still in silence, struggling to find your voice. Our stories are all very different, but our pain is the same. Your abuse may not be from childhood, it may have happened in your teens, it may have happened recently or you may have experienced attempted abuse. It all needs a voice, it all needs healing. Tonight I want to share a couple of things that I am learning on my journey to healing that might empower you to begin your journey to healing.
First of all; the abuse doesn’t end when the sexual abuse does. My sexual abuse lasted 6 years but the mental, emotional and spiritual abuse has lasted over 30 years.
Mentally the images haunted me, like snapshots on a slide show that started itself when I least expected it. Sometimes I had the ability to hit pause but could never find the stop button. I believed the lie that I was the one to blame, that no one would ever understand the pain, and if they knew what I have been through they would never accept me. The truth is my identity is not determined by what has been done to me. Your identity isn’tdefined by what has been done to you.
Emotionally I was a mess, carrying around guilt, shame, unworthiness, and low self-esteem like a worn out bag, never leaving it at home. I had mastered the ability to put on a smile and shove my feelings down, hiding the pain behind a mask. The mask helped me cope with others and made me feel safe, but in truth it was just preventing me from dealing with the abuse. In a crazy way, I believed that was healing, learning to deal, by not dealing.
Spiritually I had made an attempt all through my teen years to be the “good girl” to earn God’s favor. I thought if I could be good enough it would make up for all the shame and guilt I felt. It was exhausting….. Outwardly I displayed kindness, smiles and quick apologies. I avoided conflict and wanted peace no matter what. On the outside I appeared I had it all together, but on the inside I was full of shame and devastation. When I was 26 I gave my life to Christ after he lovingly showed me I didn’t have to earn his love and acceptance, but trust his grace through faith. Now, I thought, I will be healed. And spiritually I was experiencing healing, hear my heart, God can heal and mend all the broken pieces without anyone’s help. He not only can, he wants to. But God finally brought me to a place where I stopped running from him in shame and ran to him for protection and healing. Complete healing.
Sometimes that healing requires seeking a professional counselor. For me that part of my journey began 6 months ago, when it was time to take off the mask for good. I believe with all my heart he equips and gifts others to help survivors heal and find our voice. There are just so many layers to our healing, layers we just can’t get through alone. Let me tell you it wasn’t easy to agree to go talk to someone. My thoughts on it were, “it happened so long ago, what good will it do to talk about it?” or " I can’t trust a complete stranger with the most private, painful details of my past” or “No one can understand my pain” or “I don’t have time for this” or
“I have made it this far” The reasons go on and on. And in truth it was part of my past, but it was killing my present and future life.
“I have made it this far” The reasons go on and on. And in truth it was part of my past, but it was killing my present and future life.
This brings me to the second thing I want you to walk away with tonight, YOUR VOICE!! Some traumas are very public, and it is easier for people to minister to them, to help them walk through the pain, because they know about it. But the trauma of sexual abuse is very private. Unless we put a voice to our pain and trauma, we continue to suffer alone in silence. Fear keeps us locked in silence, the fear of rejection, judgment, making others feel uncomfortable. But the truth is healing begins when the secret is revealed and the chains of silence are broken.
You may not believe me, but trust me, I know, there is power in your voice. When you share,you take back a little bit of what was taken from you, fear starts to disappear and you empower someone else to find their voice.
You may wonder if I am completely healed and the answer is no, not completely, do I believe I will be, yes. Did I believe 6 months ago I would be, no. The process is painful but necessary to get to the other side. I spent too many years walking around the pain, now I am learning to walk through it. And you can too. Trauma affects us in ways that we cannot understand. It affects so many areas of our lives, our thoughts,feelings, relationships. So please, if you are suffering in silence, share, get a counselor. It won’t change what happened to you, I so wish it could, but it can help you to live each day learning to stop the mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse. And live each day with hope and purpose, making decisions based on truth, not pain or fear, for God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
Friday, March 22, 2013
Wednesdays in the word....
After I posted my blog yesterday, a friend text me about a series on affliction that Beth Moore was doing on the TV show Life Today. She had no idea what my post was about....so cool when God does this.
Anyway I wanted to share with all of you the link to her series. It blew me away!!!
Here is the Link....
www.lifetoday.org/video
Under the video that pops on the screen you will see a drop down menu. Click on the "any" one and scroll to Wednesdays in the Word". Session 3 and 4 spoke volumes to me. She is talking about victim affliction in session 3 and mental affliction in session 4. It helped me a lot and so I thought I would share it!
Have a great day!!
In Christ,
Audra
Anyway I wanted to share with all of you the link to her series. It blew me away!!!
Here is the Link....
www.lifetoday.org/video
Under the video that pops on the screen you will see a drop down menu. Click on the "any" one and scroll to Wednesdays in the Word". Session 3 and 4 spoke volumes to me. She is talking about victim affliction in session 3 and mental affliction in session 4. It helped me a lot and so I thought I would share it!
Have a great day!!
In Christ,
Audra
Thursday, March 21, 2013
The bigger picture
My daughter LOVES animals, all kinds of animals, she does not discriminate. In order to make the transition of one more move, we sorta promised her a puppy when we got to Kentucky. (never ever a good idea, they never forget)
Enter Tracker, abandoned at 6 months, the cutest beagle puppy I have ever seen. But he didn't have a lick of sense....He wore me out. Fast forward a few months, it was winter and he needed to go outside. Normally I would put him on a leash (we live in the city) and take him out. It was extremely cold and I just didn't want to go outside. So.... I opened the door and off he went, I mean off, sprint speed. There was a man walking down the road in a long black coat, black hat and black brief case and Tracker was on his heels, circling around and around him. All the guy had to do was reach down to grab hold of Tracker. But he didn't....it was as if he didn't even see the dog, he just kept walking at a steady pace, almost unaware. The direction they were heading in was leading them to a 4 lane road which is typically busy early morning. I knew if he made it all the way down to that intersection, he would be run over. Not at all willing to give that news to Kayli, I dash out the door after him. Picture this, plaid flannel pj's, black rain boots with polka dots (of course polka dots, is there anything else?), and long red bath robe. (not to mention my hair had not seen a brush yet....it was early!)
The more I yell at that crazy animal, the further he goes, all the while circling the mans feet. I am screaming like a mad lady, not to mention looking like one, getting no help from the man in the black coat. I mean I am literally at this mans feet by now, circling him right behind Tracker. He never says a word, never looks at me, never stops walking, no help at all. WHAT IN THE WORLD???!!! By this time I want to hurt the dog and give the man a piece of my mind.(or hurt the man and give the dog a piece of my mind) We continue in this game until we get a few feet from the intersection and I finally get a hold of that dog. Now I am cold, tired, angry and I have to walk back carrying this over-sized beagle 3 blocks because in the madness I didn't grab the leash..... Lesson here? Next time, just put him on the leash and go outside with him....
Ok, so why share this story with you? I think it is a perfect example of us as Children of God. He can see the danger ahead of us, he knows where we are headed when we don't trust Him and His plan for our lives. Like Tracker, sometimes we can't see that intersection and know we have the potential of being road kill! I knew there was no hope for that senseless dog if he made it to the highway. Isn't that just like our enemy, like the man in the black coat, happy to just lead us down a dangerous path and we like the silly dog, with no sense, run full speed ahead?!
God sees the bigger picture....this picture for me and the process of counseling was beginning to come into focus. Gradually you begin to notice changes, in yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your relationships. Things that would have bothered you before counseling, aren't having the same affect on you. Relationships that were unhealthy you recognize and feel freedom to place boundaries. It's like someone cleaned your filter and your beginning to see more clearly what healthy thoughts and relationships look like and believe more fully that there is purpose in your pain. I could see that God was using the counseling to deliver be from a lot of bondage. It's freedom......
When I went back to my next session, I found out they were allowing me to continue with Taylor at her new job at the local University. What a huge answer to prayer. I would go early so it didn't hinder her from helping the college kids. (no college student wanted the 8am slot!) We spent her last couple weeks at her current job discussing self-esteem and unhealthy relationships.
We began untangling my struggle with low Self-esteem, low self-worth, self-doubt, self-condemnation. I call it an onset of mind warfare, it is a lasting side effect of sexual trauma that carried over for me into adulthood. Even though the physical abuse ended, mentally I was still at war, and this battle seemed extremely daunting....
I think the best way to overcome these thoughts are to know Him, seek Him,hide his word in our heart, and to pray for deliverance. To continually be blasting those thoughts with the truth of His Word. There isn't a counseling session that can fix that, only knowing the great Counselor, and taking Him at His word....Psalm 139, all of it....If this is a struggle of yours, I encourage you to read Psalm 139.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:13-14
As I was leaving that day, Taylor tells me she is in charge of planning this years "Take Back the Night" ceremony at the University, and she would like for me to share my story. It's a night dedicated to helping stop the violence against sexual abuse, and to help other victims find their voice. To say I was beside myself with joy is an understatement. I was beginning to see purpose in the pain.....Maybe my story would help someone.....I told her yes!!!! God's timing is perfect...He saw the bigger picture, He wanted me to experience healing, so I could help someone else. Like that silly dog, He had to get a hold of me, He knows sometimes I just don't have much sense!
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Enter Tracker, abandoned at 6 months, the cutest beagle puppy I have ever seen. But he didn't have a lick of sense....He wore me out. Fast forward a few months, it was winter and he needed to go outside. Normally I would put him on a leash (we live in the city) and take him out. It was extremely cold and I just didn't want to go outside. So.... I opened the door and off he went, I mean off, sprint speed. There was a man walking down the road in a long black coat, black hat and black brief case and Tracker was on his heels, circling around and around him. All the guy had to do was reach down to grab hold of Tracker. But he didn't....it was as if he didn't even see the dog, he just kept walking at a steady pace, almost unaware. The direction they were heading in was leading them to a 4 lane road which is typically busy early morning. I knew if he made it all the way down to that intersection, he would be run over. Not at all willing to give that news to Kayli, I dash out the door after him. Picture this, plaid flannel pj's, black rain boots with polka dots (of course polka dots, is there anything else?), and long red bath robe. (not to mention my hair had not seen a brush yet....it was early!)
The more I yell at that crazy animal, the further he goes, all the while circling the mans feet. I am screaming like a mad lady, not to mention looking like one, getting no help from the man in the black coat. I mean I am literally at this mans feet by now, circling him right behind Tracker. He never says a word, never looks at me, never stops walking, no help at all. WHAT IN THE WORLD???!!! By this time I want to hurt the dog and give the man a piece of my mind.(or hurt the man and give the dog a piece of my mind) We continue in this game until we get a few feet from the intersection and I finally get a hold of that dog. Now I am cold, tired, angry and I have to walk back carrying this over-sized beagle 3 blocks because in the madness I didn't grab the leash..... Lesson here? Next time, just put him on the leash and go outside with him....
Ok, so why share this story with you? I think it is a perfect example of us as Children of God. He can see the danger ahead of us, he knows where we are headed when we don't trust Him and His plan for our lives. Like Tracker, sometimes we can't see that intersection and know we have the potential of being road kill! I knew there was no hope for that senseless dog if he made it to the highway. Isn't that just like our enemy, like the man in the black coat, happy to just lead us down a dangerous path and we like the silly dog, with no sense, run full speed ahead?!
God sees the bigger picture....this picture for me and the process of counseling was beginning to come into focus. Gradually you begin to notice changes, in yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your relationships. Things that would have bothered you before counseling, aren't having the same affect on you. Relationships that were unhealthy you recognize and feel freedom to place boundaries. It's like someone cleaned your filter and your beginning to see more clearly what healthy thoughts and relationships look like and believe more fully that there is purpose in your pain. I could see that God was using the counseling to deliver be from a lot of bondage. It's freedom......
When I went back to my next session, I found out they were allowing me to continue with Taylor at her new job at the local University. What a huge answer to prayer. I would go early so it didn't hinder her from helping the college kids. (no college student wanted the 8am slot!) We spent her last couple weeks at her current job discussing self-esteem and unhealthy relationships.
We began untangling my struggle with low Self-esteem, low self-worth, self-doubt, self-condemnation. I call it an onset of mind warfare, it is a lasting side effect of sexual trauma that carried over for me into adulthood. Even though the physical abuse ended, mentally I was still at war, and this battle seemed extremely daunting....
I think the best way to overcome these thoughts are to know Him, seek Him,hide his word in our heart, and to pray for deliverance. To continually be blasting those thoughts with the truth of His Word. There isn't a counseling session that can fix that, only knowing the great Counselor, and taking Him at His word....Psalm 139, all of it....If this is a struggle of yours, I encourage you to read Psalm 139.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:13-14
As I was leaving that day, Taylor tells me she is in charge of planning this years "Take Back the Night" ceremony at the University, and she would like for me to share my story. It's a night dedicated to helping stop the violence against sexual abuse, and to help other victims find their voice. To say I was beside myself with joy is an understatement. I was beginning to see purpose in the pain.....Maybe my story would help someone.....I told her yes!!!! God's timing is perfect...He saw the bigger picture, He wanted me to experience healing, so I could help someone else. Like that silly dog, He had to get a hold of me, He knows sometimes I just don't have much sense!
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
A New Thing
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you
not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:19
If only I could perceive IT, if only I could truly believe he is doing a new thing. If only.... Why can't I trust that a new thing is a good thing!
Opportunities will arise that have the potential to completely knock us off our feet, causing us to fight, and reach for something to hold onto until we find our balance. What or who we grab onto makes all the difference in the world. I wish I could say I automatically reach for Jesus, and regain my balance quickly, but that would be far from the truth.Sometimes you just want someone with skin on, some people have less skin on now because of me, I still have some of Buddy's skin under my nails! I have grabbed onto people that I had no business taking hold of, nothing or no one on this earth is as solid as the Rock, the only one who can steady us and plant our feet firmly on solid ground.
My feet got knocked off balance just a little bit when I returned home from Nicaragua; going in to see Taylor she tells me she has taken a new job. What? Wait.... What? (insert picture of me grabbing, grasping, trying to hold on) I know for some of you, your thinking; what is the big deal? Well my options were 1. Start all over with a new Counselor 2. Just stop counseling all together 3. Pray and trust God is doing a new thing, and to perceive it.....
Ok, let's walk through those options....1. Start all over? Not on your life. As far as I was concerned this was a one way ticket, no redirecting, no plane changes, nothing, nada. There was no way I was going to tell someone new all I had already told Taylor. Seriously, was not happening. (grabbing onto Taylor here....) 2. Stop counseling all together, as bad as I wanted to be finished, I knew I wasn't done. There were still many, many things I needed to untangle about myself so that I could help others. I truly wanted to be who God created me to be, and to be used by Him. I knew I still had a lot to work through. 3. Pray and trust.......That really should have been my #1, see what I mean? Did I really think God had brought me this far only to abandon me in the end? Oh ye of little faith.... Mental note, read Hebrews 11 when I get home....the Hall of Faith chapter. :) Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1
Conviction of things not seen, do you not perceive (see) it..... beginning to think He has something for me to "see".........
As I left that day we talked about how she knew I wasn't ready to be finished, and she believed starting over wasn't a good option, (but much better than stopping). There was a possiblility I could go for a few months at her new job, but she had to get approval. It was at a local University, with the requirement that you are either a student or on staff....I was neither...This is where we Pray and trust. I remember telling the Lord as I drove off that day, I am willing to do whatever you want me to, and trusting that if someone else is needed to finish the journey of counseling with me, so be it. I didn't much like it, but who am I to say no one else was capable of helping me like Taylor has.....We wouldn't meet again for a few weeks, Taylor was making the transition into the new job. She assured me when we did meet again, I would know if I would continue with her or start over with someone new. Choosing to grab onto Jesus, feet firmly planted on the Rock, I was ready for what the next part of the journey looked like...I couldn't yet percieve it, but I was willing to trust He was doing a new thing....
For I know the plans I have for you,
says the Lord, plans for your welfare
and not for evil, to give you a future
and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
now it springs forth, do you
not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:19
If only I could perceive IT, if only I could truly believe he is doing a new thing. If only.... Why can't I trust that a new thing is a good thing!
Opportunities will arise that have the potential to completely knock us off our feet, causing us to fight, and reach for something to hold onto until we find our balance. What or who we grab onto makes all the difference in the world. I wish I could say I automatically reach for Jesus, and regain my balance quickly, but that would be far from the truth.Sometimes you just want someone with skin on, some people have less skin on now because of me, I still have some of Buddy's skin under my nails! I have grabbed onto people that I had no business taking hold of, nothing or no one on this earth is as solid as the Rock, the only one who can steady us and plant our feet firmly on solid ground.
My feet got knocked off balance just a little bit when I returned home from Nicaragua; going in to see Taylor she tells me she has taken a new job. What? Wait.... What? (insert picture of me grabbing, grasping, trying to hold on) I know for some of you, your thinking; what is the big deal? Well my options were 1. Start all over with a new Counselor 2. Just stop counseling all together 3. Pray and trust God is doing a new thing, and to perceive it.....
Ok, let's walk through those options....1. Start all over? Not on your life. As far as I was concerned this was a one way ticket, no redirecting, no plane changes, nothing, nada. There was no way I was going to tell someone new all I had already told Taylor. Seriously, was not happening. (grabbing onto Taylor here....) 2. Stop counseling all together, as bad as I wanted to be finished, I knew I wasn't done. There were still many, many things I needed to untangle about myself so that I could help others. I truly wanted to be who God created me to be, and to be used by Him. I knew I still had a lot to work through. 3. Pray and trust.......That really should have been my #1, see what I mean? Did I really think God had brought me this far only to abandon me in the end? Oh ye of little faith.... Mental note, read Hebrews 11 when I get home....the Hall of Faith chapter. :) Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1
Conviction of things not seen, do you not perceive (see) it..... beginning to think He has something for me to "see".........
As I left that day we talked about how she knew I wasn't ready to be finished, and she believed starting over wasn't a good option, (but much better than stopping). There was a possiblility I could go for a few months at her new job, but she had to get approval. It was at a local University, with the requirement that you are either a student or on staff....I was neither...This is where we Pray and trust. I remember telling the Lord as I drove off that day, I am willing to do whatever you want me to, and trusting that if someone else is needed to finish the journey of counseling with me, so be it. I didn't much like it, but who am I to say no one else was capable of helping me like Taylor has.....We wouldn't meet again for a few weeks, Taylor was making the transition into the new job. She assured me when we did meet again, I would know if I would continue with her or start over with someone new. Choosing to grab onto Jesus, feet firmly planted on the Rock, I was ready for what the next part of the journey looked like...I couldn't yet percieve it, but I was willing to trust He was doing a new thing....
For I know the plans I have for you,
says the Lord, plans for your welfare
and not for evil, to give you a future
and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
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