As I walked across campus to get to my first counseling session at the University, I began to count the girls, wondering just which ones have walked where I have. Sometimes it's easy to pick the wounded girl out, the one walking head down, not making eye contact, or the one who wears the long sleeves to hide the cutting, she also could be the girl with the smile she wears to mask the pain, or the really loud girl dying for attention, just to not be invisible....But however she deals, she is out there....walking among us.
I want to help, I want to share the love of Christ with her, with all of them. I want to give her hope. I want to let her know what has been done to her, does not define her. Who she is in Christ, defines her, she is the apple of his eye, she is fearfully and wonderfully made, she is not alone. I also want to share the gospel with those who don't know Him. Those who have a hole in their heart that only He can fill, telling her He didn't do those unspeakable things to her, sin in the world caused that pain, choices made by others caused that pain. But He can heal, restore and redeem her....
They say your ministry is what you are passionate about, (let me say my main and most important ministry is being a wife and mom, which is my highest calling) I am passionate about letting as many girls as I can know that God loves them so very much and there is freedom in him.....that they can walk in victory, head held high.
Recently I heard our Pastor say that God continues to work on us as he works through us in ministry. That brings me so much hope, knowing full well there is much work on me left to do, and that He chooses to still use me in my imperfectness.
It was September, Taylor and I were preparing for the "Take Back the Night" ceremony to be held on campus. The ceremony is designed to bring awareness to sexual abuse and help victims find their voice. As I was doing research on the statistics, what I found was shocking.
1 in 5 high school girls are raped, 50% never tell.
Girls who are raped in college and don't tell, 70% of them are likely to be raped again.
1 in 4 girls suffer childhood sexual abuse
1 in 6 boys suffer childhood sexual abuse
I know I have already said it, but its worth saying again; if you think your alone, your not. If you think no one will understand, they will. If you think you will never heal, you can. Chances are, you have a friend who has been through the same thing...
I thought I would share my speech from that night. I hope in some way it will help you. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have the courage to stand before 250 people and tell my story. (and live! haha) I was told in the past the ceremony brings 40-100 people....well, this year it brought around 250 (my rough guess) the sororities and fraternities required freshman to attend. As I stepped up to the microphone and looked out, it took my breath. We were on the schools soccer field, young girls sitting on blankets, with fraternity boys standing along the back, like a wall. All those precious faces, I was a little nervous but more than that, overwhelmed that God was using my pain to help bring hope and healing to someone else....Purpose in the pain. He doesn't waste one ounce of our journey.
The following is my speech from "Take Back the Night" September 25, 2012
The word Survivor, by definition is to carry on despite hardships or trauma, to cope with trauma; to persevere.
As a survivor myself of childhood sexual abuse, I want to speak to all of you who are survivors of sexual abuse, those who have found your voice and those who are still in silence, struggling to find your voice. Our stories are all very different, but our pain is the same. Your abuse may not be from childhood, it may have happened in your teens, it may have happened recently or you may have experienced attempted abuse. It all needs a voice, it all needs healing. Tonight I want to share a couple of things that I am learning on my journey to healing that might empower you to begin your journey to healing.
First of all; the abuse doesn’t end when the sexual abuse does. My sexual abuse lasted 6 years but the mental, emotional and spiritual abuse has lasted over 30 years.
Mentally the images haunted me, like snapshots on a slide show that started itself when I least expected it. Sometimes I had the ability to hit pause but could never find the stop button. I believed the lie that I was the one to blame, that no one would ever understand the pain, and if they knew what I have been through they would never accept me. The truth is my identity is not determined by what has been done to me. Your identity isn’tdefined by what has been done to you.
Emotionally I was a mess, carrying around guilt, shame, unworthiness, and low self-esteem like a worn out bag, never leaving it at home. I had mastered the ability to put on a smile and shove my feelings down, hiding the pain behind a mask. The mask helped me cope with others and made me feel safe, but in truth it was just preventing me from dealing with the abuse. In a crazy way, I believed that was healing, learning to deal, by not dealing.
Spiritually I had made an attempt all through my teen years to be the “good girl” to earn God’s favor. I thought if I could be good enough it would make up for all the shame and guilt I felt. It was exhausting….. Outwardly I displayed kindness, smiles and quick apologies. I avoided conflict and wanted peace no matter what. On the outside I appeared I had it all together, but on the inside I was full of shame and devastation. When I was 26 I gave my life to Christ after he lovingly showed me I didn’t have to earn his love and acceptance, but trust his grace through faith. Now, I thought, I will be healed. And spiritually I was experiencing healing, hear my heart, God can heal and mend all the broken pieces without anyone’s help. He not only can, he wants to. But God finally brought me to a place where I stopped running from him in shame and ran to him for protection and healing. Complete healing.
Sometimes that healing requires seeking a professional counselor. For me that part of my journey began 6 months ago, when it was time to take off the mask for good. I believe with all my heart he equips and gifts others to help survivors heal and find our voice. There are just so many layers to our healing, layers we just can’t get through alone. Let me tell you it wasn’t easy to agree to go talk to someone. My thoughts on it were, “it happened so long ago, what good will it do to talk about it?” or " I can’t trust a complete stranger with the most private, painful details of my past” or “No one can understand my pain” or “I don’t have time for this” or
“I have made it this far” The reasons go on and on. And in truth it was part of my past, but it was killing my present and future life.
“I have made it this far” The reasons go on and on. And in truth it was part of my past, but it was killing my present and future life.
This brings me to the second thing I want you to walk away with tonight, YOUR VOICE!! Some traumas are very public, and it is easier for people to minister to them, to help them walk through the pain, because they know about it. But the trauma of sexual abuse is very private. Unless we put a voice to our pain and trauma, we continue to suffer alone in silence. Fear keeps us locked in silence, the fear of rejection, judgment, making others feel uncomfortable. But the truth is healing begins when the secret is revealed and the chains of silence are broken.
You may not believe me, but trust me, I know, there is power in your voice. When you share,you take back a little bit of what was taken from you, fear starts to disappear and you empower someone else to find their voice.
You may wonder if I am completely healed and the answer is no, not completely, do I believe I will be, yes. Did I believe 6 months ago I would be, no. The process is painful but necessary to get to the other side. I spent too many years walking around the pain, now I am learning to walk through it. And you can too. Trauma affects us in ways that we cannot understand. It affects so many areas of our lives, our thoughts,feelings, relationships. So please, if you are suffering in silence, share, get a counselor. It won’t change what happened to you, I so wish it could, but it can help you to live each day learning to stop the mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse. And live each day with hope and purpose, making decisions based on truth, not pain or fear, for God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
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