First post went out last night, fear set in almost immediately. Had to fight off the thoughts of, "oh. my. gosh. what have I done?" I just laid that out there for the world to see... And one of the biggest things I struggle with is rejection. That being shared, I choose to carry on.
I feel the need to say that I don't want this blog in anyway to be about the abuse, I want it to be about the healing, my journey getting here, and God's faithfulness and mercy.
Wooah, wooah, as I sat there, watching home movies, I was frozen, numb. What in the world? Why is this bothering me so much? It was Christman 2011 and it was decided we would pull out the vidoes from our childhood. I hadn't watched them since I was a kid and my kids had never seen them, so I THOUGHT it was a good idea.
But there she was, blonde haired, blue eyed little thing. I think she was around 3 or 4. So happy, so full of herself. As I sat there, the thoughts began to roll in my mind. Like, she has no idea what she is in for. She has no clue when she is in kindergarten she will suffer unspeakable acts. She is so stinkin cute. She will have no way out.....Why didn't anyone protect her? Why did God allow this to happen? Then the anger began, seriously, I was angry because of what that precious child was going to go through, I was angry because I felt she was worthy to be protected. Why wasn't she.....
The movies finally stopped and we gathered up all our gifts to head home. I was taking one thing home with me that I hadn't planned on and no one purchased for me....Memories... that night my mind flooded with memories, ones I hadn't had in a very long time. Ones I didn't care to ever have again. I cried myself to sleep. Stuffing it down, telling no one.
I have dealt with this, I am healed. That is all I could do, say those words over and over until hopefully I would believe it. A few days later I did reach out to a friend for prayer. Knowing she has walked the same road as I. It helped to talk to someone but the thoughts and memories would not go away. I prayed, like never before. Lord, please, help me, heal me... I thought I was....
In my distress I called upon the Lord;
to my God I cried for help,
From his temple he heard my voice,
and my cry to him reached his ears.
Psalm 18:6
Fast forward a few weeks, spending time with some dear friends, and the dam bursts bringing forth a flood of emotions. Once again, I am caught off guard. What is going on with me? I sat there, raw, laying it all out there for them. I had never allowed myself to be so real. Words like, "How could the God of the universe let this happen?" "Was I not worth it?" "Did he not care?" "He could have stopped this." I couldn't hardly believe I was allowing myself to be so open. For so long I hid it from everyone, for fear of rejection.... I left there that day feeling like the chains had been broken and the first step was behind me. Ok, that's all I needed to do, right Lord? Share it with someone, get it out, be real....
Now. I. Feel. Raw.
My friends were awesome, loving, encouraging, they cried with me.....they felt my pain...they validated my pain. They didn't reject me.
Healing begins when you least expect it, but when you need it most, in His perfect time... That blonde haired, blue eyed girl is worth it......
that was just the first step......
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