Put out the unbelieving crowd....

They came to the house of the ruler of the synagogue, and Jesus saw a commotion, people weeping and wailing loudly. And when he had entered, he said to them, "Why are you making a commotion and weeping? The child is not dead but sleeping." And they laughed at him. But he put them all outside and took the child's father and mother and those who were with him and went in where the child was. Taking her by the hand he said to her, "Talitha cumi," which means, "Little girl, I say to you, arise. Mark 5:38-41

They laughed at him. My commentary describes those who were laughing as the unbelieving crowd, and if they stayed they would be a distraction. He allowed only the girl's closest family members to witness the miracle.

I knew that I needed to put out the unbelieving crowd as I began the process of counseling. I needed to surround myself with those who I knew loved me and truly wanted me to find healing. Also, I was concerned about loved ones who might worry about me, and that would cause me to worry about them, which would hinder me focusing on true healing, so I waited to share this news with them until the right time.

 One unbelieving person I couldn't put out was myself. I wanted to be healed, I believed God was calling me into helping others that have experienced sexual abuse. He has blessed me beyond measure by allowing me to be in the lives of so many precious teen and college girls. Knowing 1 in 4 girls are abused, I wanted to help them find their voice, but I knew I couldn't do that until I had found my own. I desired the abuse to be used by Him, to bring Him glory. So for all those precious girls out there, and that blonde haired blue eyed  little girl in my childhood home movies, I made the call to get help.(that little girls has been frozen in time for long enough) "Hello, yes, My name is Audra and I have been sexually abused, I need to talk to someone." Here we go....

That first day walking into the counseling center I felt like everyone knew what I was walking in for, I felt vulnerable, scared and a little raw. Reality hit when I got to the door and it was locked. They keep the door locked at all times due to abusers who may be aware the person they abused are there and may attempt to harm them.  That hurt my heart for those sweet victims, and made me a bit angry....Those abusers should be locked up.

 I was surprised to find the lady who opened the door a member of my church. Initial gut feeling? Run, deny why your here, say, "Oh, wait, I am here to adopt a cat.." (humane society is in the same building) But knowing my "pearls" would hold me accountable, being more scared of them dragging me back than actually facing my memories, I went in.

The lady was so sweet, she must have read my mind. She assured me she would tell no one I was coming, I could tell she was not of the "unbelieving crowd" so, I allowed her to be a part of my journey.

As I sat there filling out a 120 questionnaire, I began to look around. Little hand prints that had been dipped in paint on the walls, placed there by sweet little girls who had been in the room before me. A painting with a poem talking about a girls dream of rising above the pain and memories and flying like a butterfly. A caterpillar does spend time wrapped in a cocoon, until the right time when it breaks the outer layers and becomes a new creation.....A new creation, if these little ones can be brave enough to do this, so can I.

I don't know how many of you have filled out one of those questionnaires. I am told they use them for any form of trauma. They give it to soldiers coming home from war, those who have lost family members unexpectedly, domestic violence, sexually assault and I am sure others I don't remember. But they ask the sames questions over and over in different ways. By the time I was done I realized I had a lot of issues!! hahaha I answered them as honestly as I could. Hoping the counselor wouldn't look at my answers and think, "I don't get paid enough for this one!!"

I am going to call the counselor "Taylor" because I am not sure I should mention her name. I immediately felt at ease with her. Although she was young, I trusted her. We spent most of the time in that first session talking about our faith and just surface details of why I was there. (my "pearls"made me come.) haha

I explained to her that I needed to know her source for helping me sort out all my pain, was the same source I was depending on for my healing.  So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Philippians 2:1-2

We scheduled the next meeting for a week out, she needed time to go over the questionnaire and gauge just exactly how messed up I was....(my words, not hers) hahaha Humor is a must for walking this journey.....I could not help but think, oh sweetie, its gonna take longer than a week to go over my questionnaire.

I hope you will continue to come back, my hopes in sharing some of my counseling, is to show its really not so scary and if I can do it, anyone can....

For I, the Lord your God,
 hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, "Fear not,
 I am the one who helps you."
Isaiah 41:13