Hope stirring....

My counseling sessions began in March of 2012. Winter was exiting, and the promise of spring was right around the corner. The ground was preparing to bring forth flowers that had lain dormant all winter, and I too was beginning to experience a stirring just beneath the surface, hope was beginning to come alive. Hope that I could actually work through all the pain, and come out the other side, healthy, strong.

We went into April just discussing the surface details of my abuse. We worked through untangling memories of when the abuse started, how long it lasted, and how it made me feel now, in this moment, as a 43 year old.

 I was still feeling a lot of shame, guilt and unworthiness.  I remember telling Taylor I just couldn’t understand why I didn’t tell anyone. I recalled a couple of times during the 6 years of abuse that I would try, but I was always vague with my mom. I struggled with the thought that I could have stopped it, if I had just opened my mouth. (Insert triangle analogy here) My thought was “I could have stopped it,” made me feel guilty, response believing it’s my entire fault.

Taylor explained to me that was a thought a 43 year old would have. Of course as an adult you would tell. She asked me what I thought a 5 year old little girl would think. Well, of course that child would be afraid of her abuser. Then Taylor asked me what I would tell a little girl today who was being abused… I would say, it’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong, you’re a child; he groomed you to remain silent.  Life. Changing. Moment.  For the first time I ministered to that blonde haired, blue-eyed girl. It was not my fault, I did nothing wrong, I was a child, he was the adult; he was the one who knew exactly what to say to keep me in fear, to keep me silent.

This brought me to the next question for Taylor, I couldn’t remember what happened to make it stop.  She explained to me that abusers of children typically only want to abuse children. They have no interest in pre-teen or teenagers.  Precious babies, so not the world God had intended on when he created it. Sin is far reaching, and does more damage than our minds can begin to comprehend.

Because of the abuse I believed God was distant and uncaring. It formed my view of Him as someone with whom I had to earn favor.  I felt as though the sin put upon me caused a huge divide between He and I and I wasn’t good enough for Him to love.  Talk about “triangle” working overtime!! I don’t know if I am talking to anyone out there. It may just be me, and my journey.  My view was skewed because of the abuse. When I entered into my counseling, this view was no longer a struggle for me. I have grown in the Lord, and walked with Him long enough to know His love, experience His love, and read about His love through the word of truth. (Bible)

 John 3:16 is proof enough of His love. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Psalm 36:5

The Lord is compassionate and gracious; slow to anger, abounding in love. Psalm 103:8

For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Psalm 108:4

What I was struggling with was the why. I have been told God either allows or ordains situations in our lives. I don’t in anyway believe he ordained this to happen to me or anyone. As my counseling progressed I was trusting God allowed it so I could help others. What the enemy meant for evil, God was going to use for good and to bring Him glory.  

As April turned into May, we were getting ever so close to what I was dreading the most….Memory Therapy. Taylor thought I was ready, but she said it was my call. I felt He was preparing me to face this part of my journey. I would be leaving for Nicaragua in a few weeks and had a sense he was preparing me for something there. I needed to trust Him and the process….I was willing to try….He was gently pulling me up out of this pit…..setting my feet on a firm foundation.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. Psalm 40:1-2